a tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
so miche stands at the end of 2009, another year gone. Her 25th year in this life, on this planet, in this place. miche wishes that she had better things to write about the year but sadly, she doesn’t. 2009 has been a year of ups and downs, an enormous emotional roller-coaster that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight even as the year reaches its finality in another 20 odd hours or more.

miche has thought that this year might be a new beginning. Her first full year in her new job; her first year with no debates, with no drama; the year where she had to learn to let go of many things which she held dear to her heart and she had constantly sought refuge from. she honestly thought that 2009 would be a year where she learns to be happier and to feel better. She did for a good while, but with all good things in her life. they get taken away and end. just like that. so 2009 became like another year in miche’s life. with the same cycles starting again.

perhaps you can say that all of this is miche’s own doing that she persists in being in the state that she is in. perhaps you are right to judge miche as such. perhaps it is all true, but nothing that miche feels is made up. everything is real. no matter how miche tries to deny it herself.

so in 2009:
miche said goodbye to debates. miche let quah-lah nictaro, lala king, dodo fishball, renbear, hwang go. miche said goodbye to joshie and auyong who headed to the states to study. miche realizes with their departure, so will al, val, sam, jake, paul, john and terence will all one day leave and lead their own lives which miche will not be a part of anymore. miche said goodbye to theatre. miche said goodbye to A.L who once occupied the most important place in her life. Only that miche didn’t know that A.L has been replaced till it was too late. miche had to say goodbye to you even though from the day she accepted that it was what she had to do for you, she’s been in pain.

we don’t belong to no one that’s a shame
miche had thought that she was strong and independent. She is able to weather many things in life on her own. miche has always felt that it was alright that she goes home to an empty room and an empty house; she is able to be alone by herself. then things started to get really empty. there is no one to share miche’s happiness when things go well or anyone to give her a hug because she has worked really hard. neither was there anyone to hold her hand when she is down and tell her that everything is okay and she will be alright. this year, miche realize that it is indeed a shame that she belongs to no one.

and all I can breathe is your life
miche went back to the office yesterday and saw her workload for the next year. miche had thought that things might be a little better in 2010. but apparently not. the same saga as last year. miche realizes that she indeed has a useless degree. a degree that she didn’t actually want in the first place and now is indeed useless. five years of her life given for something which she thought had value and meaning, but now she knows that she doesn’t matter at all to anyone. no one really cares anyway.

like a mad man laughing at the rain / little out of touch, a little insane / easier than dealing with the pain
years ago, miche was told that a broken glass, no matter how hard we try to piece them back together remains a broken glass. the cracks will always remain, and sometimes, pieces of it will be gone forever. so. 2010. a new year no doubt. a new beginning no doubt. but will there be any changes. miche doubts. perhaps pretence and lying will make everything a little easier to bear. just a little tinier easier to bear.

miche has to get used to being by herself, alone again.