so there goes another fucked up year and a fucked up end to 2008. never in the entire world and universe did miche ever think that exactly 365 days later she would be crying herself to bed once again. and once again over the stupidest and most ridiculous of things. but yes on hindsight miche has now realised that every thing that has been said is just a mere facade because honestly no one cares. all she ever gets is some 'oh-i-am-so-sorry-that-you've-got-to-do-this' looks or 'i-sympathise-with-you-but-i-aint-lifting-a-finger-to-help-you' smile. so if this is the fucked up treatment she is going to get from a fucked up place, then no way is she going to give two hoots to anyone anymore. honestly. truth be told, miche detests the fact that she is trapped, that she is in fact settling for less. but she loves her kids, her charges. and honestly just as she said four months ago, if not for the fact that she believes in a larger purpose she would have broken the bond a long time ago and ran far far away to a place where she can be herself without having to deal with the judgements from people who should be looking at themselves first. so dont fucking come and tell her that she needs to change and that she needs to mind herself. go fuck yourself. miche may not be as prim and proper or as "morally upright" or as good a role model as you think she should be. go fuck yourself. miche's personal choices are miche's personal choices. so long as miche does not impose her choice or tell them to follow her ways who are you to judge her and her ways.

so go and congratulate yourself because if your aims and goals were to make the end of 2008 a shitty and fucked up one for her, you have succeeded.

christmas, new year's and all things celebratory in-between have had a love-hate relationship with miche. on one hand, she loves to see how the people she loves and hold dear enjoy these festivals but on another hand,she always inevitably finds herself alone on these occasions when everyone and she means everyone is attached with a special someone. miche dreads these end of year festivities. someone told her just two nights ago that these celebrations are for the year that is past and for the new year taht is coming. to which miche replied she is not so sure that the passing of a year is always a good time or necessarily a thing to celebrate. miche always had fears that with each passing year, she has lesser and lesser time to do the things which are true to her heart or that she no longer finds the strength to muster the courage from the depths of her spirits to find and realise her goals. miche fears the new year means new separations, new heartbreaks and heartaches, new problems which she cant never solve. more importantly, miche fears the new year means another year of the never-ending cycle of crap and torment she goes through internally each day. the new year never really feels new to her. this year in particular. everywhere she goes, she is reminded of tokyo. everywhere she goes she is reminded of last christmas in imperial hotel, where she laid in bed sobbing her eyes. her flight back to singapore when she literally cried herself to sleep. the most depressing new year's day ever. everywhere reminded her of the one day she decided to spend in Tokyo by herself, bounded and held by a flimsiest promise. something totally out of character. one year ago today, she told herself, she will never be able to find the courage to love again, but one year later, she finds herself still binded by that flimsy promise, a disappearing hope that one day he will appear. sorry but miche really does hate christmas. and all the festivities.

so goes another christmas well at least we are halfway through the 2008 Christmas. nothing too exciting to which happened, but miche received two very sweet notes this christmas.

thanks blau for the very touching and heartfelt email and thanks joshua for the sweet little note.

if anything, this Christmas miche is learning how to count her blessing.

miche's mother just told her about her cousin far far removed who are 15 but are total terrors. miche knew something was wrong with her family genes somewhere up or down the line. hahah somehow the girls end up being terrors while the boys dont really get much from life. so yeah.

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE!!!! =)

this entry is dedicated to 18 december 2008.

i very seldom if not never write in first person. i am someone who is extremely uncomfortable and awkward about expressing any form of emotions or sentiments. there are some times when i say certain things but they are usually in jest and i dont really mean it. in fact the very reason why i write in third person, is to create a sense of detachment from the things i write. there is a certain sense of surrealism reading your own entries written in third person perspective. you get to anaylse yourself from a distance.

but 18 december 2008 can be said to be a special day.

today was the first time i felt an overwhelming sense of gratification as a teacher. that perhaps, this is indeed the purpose and path God has chosen for me. for the longest time possible, even when i was in NIE or when i was starting school i had never felt that i was meant to be a teacher, an educator. as much as the rest of my peers and friends could say outrightly that they feel that it is a calling, a duty, they feel for the kids and stuff, i could never bring myself to say that. all i could ever say was that i enjoyed the process of imparting knowledge and intellectual discussion and i want to help youths-at-risk as my own payback to community. i had a statement to make because i was a bad child turned right.

but on 18 december, i can stand proudly and say i am glad that i am a teacher (at least for the next 2 years more as well ahah).

michelle's supplementary essay to boston u was infinitely touching. really michelle sham, if not for the fact that i was with company i swear i would have cried right there and then when i read what you wrote for your entrance essay. i know i never ever told you this and i have always nagged at you for lots of things. but thank you, thank you for letting me be part of your life both here and in the states and still continuing to keep me part of you. i know i dont always write or have the time and effort to keep in touch with you, you are always on my mind and i really look forward to the months when you are here with us in singapore.

michelle's essay is the third time i am immortalised so to speak in an essay. the first was when i was 21 and xue qian decided to do his biography assignment on me instead of some politician or leader or celebrity. the topic was write a biograpy on someone who had a significant impact on your life. at 21, i was very honoured and xueqian got top marks for it. the second time was when ip was applying for college and he wrote about the times when i taught him lit, history and econs at guthrie while eating venetia ice-cream everyday for 3 months before his As.

today, although i dont teach them, i felt happy that they came and told me thank you. that they felt that they could trust me enough to consult me on what course they should be taking for their next journey. madam's message was more than just true. while i was sad they didnt get the grades they desired i was also happy that they have a second chance in life. it was gratifying to see huffalump running up the stairs towards me going MS CHANG!! I PASSED EVERYTHING! I PASSED MATHS! and i dont even teach the boy.

so i guess it has been a rollercoaster, psychotic ride from 2003 till now, one which drops up and down, twists and turns everywhere. but with every ride, there has to be a beginning and an end. so maybe 18 december is the endpt. and maybe the 100 acre wood will be my new thrill ride. i hope i dont cry when they get their results especially if the poh qualifies for poly. really.

enough of miche's random emo ramblings. but yeah, 18 dec a special day

happiness is when you watch your beloved friends have their wish come true.

MICHELLE CARA SHAM PEI WEN!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!

now you can buy miche her boston uni hoody for xmas next year. miche is so terribly happy for you that she's jumping for joy now. next step get a scholarship from them! the very same one they gave miche. =)

MEECHE LOVES YOU MUCH, MEECHY!

it has been a long time since miche blogged. lots of things have happened since erm 24 Nov. there was the night when auyong (future president scholar and possible prime minister of singapore) got dead drunk after 4 shots of tequila slammers back to back and puked once on the floor which jake and miche helped him clean up. he puked like everywhere and when we changed him, actually more precisely when we took off his pants, there was this smile on his face. it was damn disturbing for miche and jake. then miche and jake decided that it was better for auyong to be on the couch and thus moved him there. goodness, he did a waterfall like after 10 mins on the couch. it was sick and but strangely funny and hilarious as all four of us stood at a distance and gaped, seriously gaped in amazment, bewilderment. the entire night was a joke especially after we tripped sam's house and val, al and miche decided to run away to al-amin for a drink. then there was the night when miche met joy, byron and the rest for joy's birthday celebration, pooh came along and got wasted. haha. the first time miche seen him so damn wasted. quite funny though.

been running back and forth the workplace for no apparent reason. well the next week is filled with like work and stuff but thank goodness there are the mornings and days for that. nights for random outings and galavanting for fun. so yup.

okay fine, miche is still quite annoyed but guess it will pass soon.

miche:highly eclectic personality:stationery junkie
loves notebooks, the smell of printed-paper and ink makers.
her first love in life is basketball.
enjoys the intellectual adrenaline of debating, the beauty of theatre and music.
loves rainy days and blue skies
an avid reader, collector of teddy bears.
wants to build an dog sanctuary.
finds solitude extremely soothing
loves writing/typing/texting in lower case.
highly interested in the theories of Fredrich Nietzsche and existentialism.
fan of German language and culture.
finds the fact that she is a cusp a unique feature of her life
God, friends, and family feature strongly in her life.
she likes referring to herself in third person, something most of her friends find freaky
has a death wish or so she thinks.


YOUNG CHANGEMAKERS
NATIONAL YOUTH FORUM '06
POETRY
MUSIC
VIDEOS
adriel
alaric
alessa
aramis
auggie
bern
bryan
charleen
charlene
da jie
de winne
elizabeth
hye ryoung
jakee babee
jajung
jeannie
jennifer
ji hyun
john leo caines
josh
joy
j.low
kaleni
leigh-anne
mark tan
melissa
meirlin's earrings enteprise
michelle
mishelle
mi-young
paul
rae
sam
sonia
mr otaku
tae yeon
terence
valerie

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1. 9/11 Commission Authorized Report
2. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
3. Human, All too Human - Friedrich Nietzsche
4. The Will to Power - Friedrich Nietzsche
5. Truth and Existence - J.P Sartre
6. Existentialism and Humanism - J.P Sartre
7. Fragile Things - Neil Gaiman
8. For One More Day - Mitch Albom
9. God is Dead
10. lullabies for little criminals - heather o'neill
>

1. The Queen
2. Confession of Pain (Shang Chen)
3. The Protege (Men Tu)
4. The Last Dance

BIRTHDAYS

birthday tree
the boss - 4 Jan
Elvin - 8 Jan
Gill - 10 Jan
WeiXiang - 13 Jan
Sam - 14 Jan
the grosmer - 26 Jan
Aaron - 1 Feb
Ben Yap - 2 Feb
Hiu Tung- 5 Feb
Ja Jung - 7 Feb
Josh Hoe - 8 Feb
Weilin - 13 Feb
Auyong - 20 Feb
Ting ting si - 25 Feb
Jik Han - 28 Feb
Yin - 2 March
Cheryl - 3 March
Christine - 20 March
Kenneth - 21 March
Chere - 26 March
Terence, Judith - 29 March
Meeschell - 30 March
Lex - 1 April
Mishelle - 1 April
Druggie - 7 April
Liz - 16 April
Melissa - 18 April
John Leo - 26 April
Hye Ryoung/the bunny - 30 April
Josh - 13 May
Jevan,Andre - 16 May
Kat/Siti - 20 May
Martino - 21 May
Seb/Rebecca - 22 May
Teddy - 23 May
T.K - 27 May
Aidan,Hon - 29 May
Jiajia - 31 May
fairy - 7 June
Cow - 8 June
the poh - 5 july
Char & Char - 17 July
Aramis - 21 July
Feli, Josh & Joe Nair - 28 July
Jennifer - 31 July
Paul - 7 Aug
Auggie/En Wei - 9 Aug
Mao Mao Chen - 13 Aug
Thazin - 14 Aug
Gurion - 16 Aug
Bryan, Seon Mi, Yilin - 20 Aug
Alessa - 25 Aug
Val - 3 Sept
Guy, Jac - 11 Sept
Rachel - 12 Sept
Mi-ran - 14 Sept
the tigger - 15 sept
Ji Hynn - 17 Sept
Nalli, Yint Zin - 20 Sept
Hello Kitty - 23 Sept
Leigh / Noel- 24 Sept
Celine - 25 Sept
Vicky - 26/27 Sept
Wint - 30 Sept
Ren - 1 Oct
Grace - 1 Oct
Mi-Young - 2 Oct
Sharm - 8 Oct
Marky - 10 Oct
the owl - 13 Oct
Jacob,Grace - 22 Oct
the eeyore - 23 Oct
Xiaodi - 28 Oct
Bo Lui - 30 Oct
Victoria - 4 Nov
Van - 14 Nov
Hai Ming - 19 Nov
Sun Min - 26 Nov
Zin Mee - 28 Nov
J Low - 29 Nov
Joy - 5 Dec
Nian Ting - 7 Dec
Luke - 27 Dec
Andy gom/Jhi Sheng - 31 Dec

50 things before miche dies

1. tell all the people she loves, that she loves them dearly.
2. send a personalised note/letter/gift to all her good friends and people who have touched her life, telling them how important they are and how they have made her life worthwhile.
3. spend a quiet but meaningful evening with her parents.
4. spend a quiet but meaningful evening with her god-family.
5. save a stray dog or two.
6. travel to prague.
7. give my teddy bears away.
8. try to write a decent poem or short story.
9. pay attention in class for once.
10. learn to forgive herself and those who have perhaps done her wrong.
11. drive to thailand.
12. walk down orchard road dressed in pink and purple only.
13. picnic by the beach
14. finish reading "dreams of the red chamber" in chinese
15. get the giant teddy bear i always wanted.
16. perform one last time
17. buy a dress / skirt
18. watch a cheesy, tacky, gawdy comedy - BRUNO or TROPIC THUNDER
19. pat a snake
20. throw a party on a bus
21. sky dive and bungee jump
22. walk all around singapore - halfway there
23. eat nothing but vegetables for a week - kinda stop eating
24. burn all her photos, diaries and letters. delete this blog.
25. cry with all her might
26. be happy and try to stay happy till the end
27. be amazed by the simple things in life
28. sleep at least 8 hours per day and not more than 10 for a week
29. write a letter to johnny depp
30. plant something
31. be a organ donor, give whatever can still be used. (not my liver though, too much alcohol in it)
32. get blind drunk, like seriously blind drunk
33. draw/paint/compose a last picture
34. she hates taking pictures, but yeah, take a picture with all her loved ones.
35. be totally ladylike for a whole day. (i.e. dont swear, curse or be mean)
36. cycle to changi and back.
37. attend church everyday
38. take all the bus services available in singapore
39. get 2 tattoos
40. buy cup noodles and eat them by the roadside. well i ate by the beach, doesnt count right
41. colour her hair in multi-hues
42. draw up a will
43. climb a tree
44. remember to smile.
45. compete in one last basketball tournament
46. debate competitively one last time
47. eat all the gelato she wants
48. eat all the dairy products she wants
49. celebrate the life that's been
50. Thank God.
CREDITS