Sunday, September 17, 2006 @6:01 PM
at different points of my life, i review the different things which has happened to me. in times of adversity, i realise the presence and importance of God. and the people whom he has brought into my life. i wrote sometime back that as i journey on in life, it is important to remember and cherish old ties while i make new friends, i stand by that.
i might be someone who believes in existentialism, the satrean school of thought that subscribes to the belief that man exist in themselves and for themselves, in an universe with no fixed predetermined destiny and hence the human condition is one of a perpetual anguished struggle to exist. In such a universe, one is thus obliged to choose and construct freely his value systems, own sense of meaning and being. Satre wrote: 'the attempt to create meaning and morality in a world without defined guideposts and rules combine the belief that freedom and responsibility rest squarely with the individual, therefore exists a penchant for trenchant anxiety'.
the other philosopher whom i subscribe to, is Nietzsche, particularly his theory on ubermensh. the class of individuals who possess superior qualities to transcend all boundaries and achieve his desires and dreams.
for many who do not know me personally, i emit an extremely strong aura and strong will. i am unapproachable and unfriendly, cold and aloof. to many, this is pure arrognance. go ahead and think that way, i make no apologies for the person that i am. i abide by the belief that i am not here to be anyone's friend deliberately. i am not here to be ms popularity. i am here to get my job done and i will. along the way, i will pick up friends whom i am comfortable with.
my close friends whom i hold in confidence have to defend alot to the many people who do not know me in a personal capacity. i dont really care what the rest of the world thinks about me, although it is quite intriguing to know. but i really do not care for their words or comments or thoughts. i am intensely private, while i blogged about myself and the things i do. i seldom let any of you into the private world of mine, where one really sees the real michelle with all her complexities and insecurities, the fierceness by which she adheres by her philosophy or her determination. the real michelle who is drastically different from the michelle you see in public persona. i do not open up to many people and i am highly selective with the people around me.
this is the reason why my friends are the most precious possession i have in my life. for me to call someone a friend, it means alot. because most of the time, people are refered to as the person i worked on a project with, i attend lessons with or someone i met. but to be called a friend, yeah for me that means alot.
So here i go, i did this something back but i thought it would be nice to revisit this. cause i have changed and so have my friends.
about me...in one word: eclectic
people i cherish the most: - aaron - for being my voice of reason, traffic light and everything else, you are the only one who can knock sense into my stubborn deluded head, you are right, my determination is my greatest strength and biggest weakness,
- lex - for being my quiet refuge i know i can always run to for some cheering up,
- mark - for believing so much in me and the things i can accomplish and yes, my one and only,
- mart and din (you are one entity) - for standing by me, defending me and telling me that i am worthy of being loved.
- nat - for the support and love you have given me throughout the past 6 months. am really glad that alcohol, drugs and sex became such good pals.
- mund - never thought that we would be such good friends, but i guess all things happen for a reason, thanks for all your understanding and i know while you dont say it out, you will always be there for me in one way or another.
- rens - for being my most steadfast friend ever, you are more than just a friend, you are family dear. really, more than my brothers will ever be for me.
- Anis and Kari - for being the best friends one can ever ask for, i will always remember our days together in the debate team, hahah malay and english. (somehow i still cant believe that i attended all your malay debates. hmmm)
- drian - for being the adorable little brother you are. for keeping me in your thoughts, and your care and concern even though we are often far apart from each other.
- Steph - for all your encouragement and love throughout the years, i know i am not the best friend someone can be, but i really do appreciate your love for me. sorry that i havent been able to be there for you when you needed me the most.
- Sam - for all your youth and tender age, you are one of the most matured and sensible person i have ever known. your words of advice and encourgament to me are immensely valuable, unbelievable it may sound, but you do bring me back to reality at times. most importantly, thank you for reminding me about God and His Love for me.
- Josh - for the sensitive soul that you are, for the little child that you are, for the great friend who will stand by me, despite the fact i should be the elder one. i miss hanging out with the musks. and thanks you for bringing me back to God.
- Liz - my bimbo friend, thanks for enduring the trip with me. know it hasnt been easy on you having to deal with missy and ah tiong. hehe. but you will be one person i do not regret opening up. sometimes circumstances do create the best friendships.
- ndyboy - i am amazed constantly by your capacity for growth. believe in yourself more. i am touched by your sincerity and sensitivity, touched by how much you really do believe in me and support me.
- jac - i have nothing but words of admiration and respect for you. you have taught me so much about life, work and human relations. you have gone beyond your duty and obligation. you kept me sane when i was breaking apart.
- little terence - you strike a soft spot in me. i dont know why, but you do. i am glad that i met you and have been blessed with the opportunity to watch you grow and develop. i am not the only one who says this, ask anyone of them from nyf and they will tell you the same.
- nallu - i watched you grow up. ironically, you are my friend's sister. hehe. but you have become one of the most important people in my life, from kid sister, to mentee and now to great friend. i know i can always depend on you for some love and care. =)
- madam - i can never bring myself to call you by your name. but thank you for all your love and support, i know i will always have you.
- al and val - i know i dont say it much, but i really love you gals. how can i not. =)
- dominic -you will always be a special friend to me, and unabashly, you will always hold a special place in my heart. i know i have been difficult and i have said and done things which have agonised you and brought you pain. no amount of apologies from me is going to be suffcient. but i will promise you that i will be strong again, return to the miche whom you know. thank you for all your care and concern, for being my source of comfort and strength through all of this. sorry for making you unhappy and worried about me all the time. i wont again.
items i cherish the most: the gifts and cards from my friends, the memories i share with them.
place i cherish the most: still the quiet place at the back of my mind
fave hangout: i still love the tv room. haha. but now, whereever my good friends are.
fave mall: i still dont like malls. they have no function for me.
fave shop: kinokuniya
fave cafe: Brekos
fave restaurant: Hanabi
movie i love: Edward Sissorshands
song you'll sing over and over again: Stephen Bishop - It Might be You. Goo goo dolls - Iris
how you past most of your time: daydreaming and thinking
if you could be at any place now, where: in your arms asleep, in pyeongchang amidst the mountains. or in prague with the beautiful scenery.
if you could buy something, what: i still want the biggest teddy bear ever.
most exciting thing you've ever done: it used to be going to New Zealand by myself when i was a kid, but now i think it was being pushed out of the raft by liz in pyeongchang.
weirdest thing that ever happened to you: man i got stalked.
strangest thing you've done: i am abnormal, so here you go: i started a fast food chain with rens, ina and sophia when we were in sec 2. the whole cohort knew about the nonsense. we actually had orders. i used to believe that cookie monster answered all my prayers, i was FIVE. i have invisible friends but i forgot their names. i randomly talk to them. i mentally disassociate my real time being and my consciousness to analyse my actions and thoughts, frequently.
Joshie said this to me once,
For every person that comes into your life, for everything that happens, there is a reason and a purpose. Miche you might not know what their purpose or reason is, you might not know what your purpose and reason is in their lives, but trust in God to let you know one day.and as i always say:
things will eventually work out one day, it is just a matter of how they work out. just that this time, miche is going to make things work.
miche is glad that she has found her ability to write again. to the rest of you, thank you for being in my life. i am sure in time to come i will find out what we are all here for.
