Thursday, September 21, 2006 @12:01 AM
Happy Birthday Nalli! =) have a great 18 birthday!
was looking at my friendster profile and realised that i wrote this at the bottom.
an intellectual, sensitive and atheletic artistwell, that wasnt refering me, but who i want to meet. hmmm came to think about it, i really do want to meet an intellectual, sensitive and atheletic artist, not that i dont know people like that, but you know.
the song Halo from One Tree Hill been playing on my itunes playlist. not that i watch one tree hill, i got the song from mishy's nano that day i got bored when they were prepping their case. so yeah and everytime we touch, the slow version ever since marky sent the song to me. hmmm. oh well.
miche's on the way there.
Sunday, September 17, 2006 @6:01 PM
at different points of my life, i review the different things which has happened to me. in times of adversity, i realise the presence and importance of God. and the people whom he has brought into my life. i wrote sometime back that as i journey on in life, it is important to remember and cherish old ties while i make new friends, i stand by that.
i might be someone who believes in existentialism, the satrean school of thought that subscribes to the belief that man exist in themselves and for themselves, in an universe with no fixed predetermined destiny and hence the human condition is one of a perpetual anguished struggle to exist. In such a universe, one is thus obliged to choose and construct freely his value systems, own sense of meaning and being. Satre wrote: 'the attempt to create meaning and morality in a world without defined guideposts and rules combine the belief that freedom and responsibility rest squarely with the individual, therefore exists a penchant for trenchant anxiety'.
the other philosopher whom i subscribe to, is Nietzsche, particularly his theory on ubermensh. the class of individuals who possess superior qualities to transcend all boundaries and achieve his desires and dreams.
for many who do not know me personally, i emit an extremely strong aura and strong will. i am unapproachable and unfriendly, cold and aloof. to many, this is pure arrognance. go ahead and think that way, i make no apologies for the person that i am. i abide by the belief that i am not here to be anyone's friend deliberately. i am not here to be ms popularity. i am here to get my job done and i will. along the way, i will pick up friends whom i am comfortable with.
my close friends whom i hold in confidence have to defend alot to the many people who do not know me in a personal capacity. i dont really care what the rest of the world thinks about me, although it is quite intriguing to know. but i really do not care for their words or comments or thoughts. i am intensely private, while i blogged about myself and the things i do. i seldom let any of you into the private world of mine, where one really sees the real michelle with all her complexities and insecurities, the fierceness by which she adheres by her philosophy or her determination. the real michelle who is drastically different from the michelle you see in public persona. i do not open up to many people and i am highly selective with the people around me.
this is the reason why my friends are the most precious possession i have in my life. for me to call someone a friend, it means alot. because most of the time, people are refered to as the person i worked on a project with, i attend lessons with or someone i met. but to be called a friend, yeah for me that means alot.
So here i go, i did this something back but i thought it would be nice to revisit this. cause i have changed and so have my friends.
about me...in one word: eclectic
people i cherish the most: - aaron - for being my voice of reason, traffic light and everything else, you are the only one who can knock sense into my stubborn deluded head, you are right, my determination is my greatest strength and biggest weakness,
- lex - for being my quiet refuge i know i can always run to for some cheering up,
- mark - for believing so much in me and the things i can accomplish and yes, my one and only,
- mart and din (you are one entity) - for standing by me, defending me and telling me that i am worthy of being loved.
- nat - for the support and love you have given me throughout the past 6 months. am really glad that alcohol, drugs and sex became such good pals.
- mund - never thought that we would be such good friends, but i guess all things happen for a reason, thanks for all your understanding and i know while you dont say it out, you will always be there for me in one way or another.
- rens - for being my most steadfast friend ever, you are more than just a friend, you are family dear. really, more than my brothers will ever be for me.
- Anis and Kari - for being the best friends one can ever ask for, i will always remember our days together in the debate team, hahah malay and english. (somehow i still cant believe that i attended all your malay debates. hmmm)
- drian - for being the adorable little brother you are. for keeping me in your thoughts, and your care and concern even though we are often far apart from each other.
- Steph - for all your encouragement and love throughout the years, i know i am not the best friend someone can be, but i really do appreciate your love for me. sorry that i havent been able to be there for you when you needed me the most.
- Sam - for all your youth and tender age, you are one of the most matured and sensible person i have ever known. your words of advice and encourgament to me are immensely valuable, unbelievable it may sound, but you do bring me back to reality at times. most importantly, thank you for reminding me about God and His Love for me.
- Josh - for the sensitive soul that you are, for the little child that you are, for the great friend who will stand by me, despite the fact i should be the elder one. i miss hanging out with the musks. and thanks you for bringing me back to God.
- Liz - my bimbo friend, thanks for enduring the trip with me. know it hasnt been easy on you having to deal with missy and ah tiong. hehe. but you will be one person i do not regret opening up. sometimes circumstances do create the best friendships.
- ndyboy - i am amazed constantly by your capacity for growth. believe in yourself more. i am touched by your sincerity and sensitivity, touched by how much you really do believe in me and support me.
- jac - i have nothing but words of admiration and respect for you. you have taught me so much about life, work and human relations. you have gone beyond your duty and obligation. you kept me sane when i was breaking apart.
- little terence - you strike a soft spot in me. i dont know why, but you do. i am glad that i met you and have been blessed with the opportunity to watch you grow and develop. i am not the only one who says this, ask anyone of them from nyf and they will tell you the same.
- nallu - i watched you grow up. ironically, you are my friend's sister. hehe. but you have become one of the most important people in my life, from kid sister, to mentee and now to great friend. i know i can always depend on you for some love and care. =)
- madam - i can never bring myself to call you by your name. but thank you for all your love and support, i know i will always have you.
- al and val - i know i dont say it much, but i really love you gals. how can i not. =)
- dominic -you will always be a special friend to me, and unabashly, you will always hold a special place in my heart. i know i have been difficult and i have said and done things which have agonised you and brought you pain. no amount of apologies from me is going to be suffcient. but i will promise you that i will be strong again, return to the miche whom you know. thank you for all your care and concern, for being my source of comfort and strength through all of this. sorry for making you unhappy and worried about me all the time. i wont again.
items i cherish the most: the gifts and cards from my friends, the memories i share with them.
place i cherish the most: still the quiet place at the back of my mind
fave hangout: i still love the tv room. haha. but now, whereever my good friends are.
fave mall: i still dont like malls. they have no function for me.
fave shop: kinokuniya
fave cafe: Brekos
fave restaurant: Hanabi
movie i love: Edward Sissorshands
song you'll sing over and over again: Stephen Bishop - It Might be You. Goo goo dolls - Iris
how you past most of your time: daydreaming and thinking
if you could be at any place now, where: in your arms asleep, in pyeongchang amidst the mountains. or in prague with the beautiful scenery.
if you could buy something, what: i still want the biggest teddy bear ever.
most exciting thing you've ever done: it used to be going to New Zealand by myself when i was a kid, but now i think it was being pushed out of the raft by liz in pyeongchang.
weirdest thing that ever happened to you: man i got stalked.
strangest thing you've done: i am abnormal, so here you go: i started a fast food chain with rens, ina and sophia when we were in sec 2. the whole cohort knew about the nonsense. we actually had orders. i used to believe that cookie monster answered all my prayers, i was FIVE. i have invisible friends but i forgot their names. i randomly talk to them. i mentally disassociate my real time being and my consciousness to analyse my actions and thoughts, frequently.
Joshie said this to me once,
For every person that comes into your life, for everything that happens, there is a reason and a purpose. Miche you might not know what their purpose or reason is, you might not know what your purpose and reason is in their lives, but trust in God to let you know one day.and as i always say:
things will eventually work out one day, it is just a matter of how they work out. just that this time, miche is going to make things work.
miche is glad that she has found her ability to write again. to the rest of you, thank you for being in my life. i am sure in time to come i will find out what we are all here for.
@2:13 AM
Fare Thee Well - Lord Byron
Fare thee well ! and if for ever,
Still for ever, fare thee well:
Even though unforgiving, never
'Gainst thee shall my heart rebel.
Would that breast were bared before thee
Where thy head so oft hath lain,
While that placid sleep came o'er thee
Which thou ne'er canst know again:
Would that breast by thee glanced over,
Every inmost thought could show !
Then thou wouldst at last discover
'T was not well to spurn it so.
Though the world for this commend thee ---
Though it smile upon the blow,
Even its praises must offend thee,
Founded on another's woe:
Though my many faults defaced me,
Could no other arm be found,
Than the one which once embraced me,
To inflict a cureless wound ?
Yet, oh yet, thyself deceive not;
Love may sink by slow decay,
But by sudden wrench, believe not
Hearts can thus be torn away:
Still thine own its life retaineth,
Still must mine, though bleeding, beat;
And the undying thought which paineth
Is --- that we no more may meet.
These are words of deeper sorrow
Than the wail above the dead;
Both shall live, but every morrow
Wake us from a widow'd bed.
And when thou wouldst solace gather,
When our child's first accents flow,
Wilt thou teach her to say " Father ! "
Though his care she must forego?
When her little hands shall press thee,
When her lip to thine is press'd,
Think of him whose prayer shall bless thee,
Think of him thy love had bless'd !
Should her lineaments resemble
Those thou never more may'st see,
Then thy heart will softly tremble
With a pulse yet true to me.
All my faults perchance thou knowest,
All my madness none can know;
All my hopes, where'er thou goest,
Wither, yet with thee they go.
But 't is done --- all words are idle ---
Words from me are vainer still;
But the thoughts we cannot bridle
Force their way without the will.
Fare thee well ! thus disunited,
Torn from every nearer tie,
Sear'd in heart, and lone, and blighted,
More than this I scarce can die.
miche's been at the worst she can be and the only way left is to go back up. this is when miche is determined to make things work. i will get better, i definitely will. the one thing aaron said about me is true, my determination is my weakness and my strength. in three weeks max, i am going to be fine. i am going to fight my way back. this i promise. you have my word on that
Tuesday, September 12, 2006 @3:52 PM
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Definition of STOIC:
of or pertaining to the school of philosophy founded by Zeno, who taught that people should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.
back to the only state/ condition of mind and emotion i can comprehend. by myself, allein
@9:59 AM
God of All Creation
I'm totally abandoned to You
I'm lost inside the rivers of Your love
I'm swept into the power of Your presence
Drawn toward the whisper of Your voice
I come to You in quiet adoration
And fall before Your feet You are my King
I'm living for the beauty of Your Presence
To behold the glory of Your face
CHORUS
Holy, Worthy, is the Lord
Heaven declares Your Rightousness
Oh God of All Creation
I worship You
Oh when You said 'seek Your face'
My heart said 'Your face I will seek' (2x)
in my darkest hour and time of need, Father I learn that it is only You i need to seek. The world and man can foresake me, but I will always be a child of Yours. Your great love will be the only strength left for me, I am abandoned to You and You alone.
Help me Father, to find You again.
Sunday, September 10, 2006 @10:49 PM
My lovely imsoon =)
dedicated to unni - imsoon si, i miss you!!!
Saturday, September 09, 2006 @11:23 PM
had wanted to post the photos from korea up last night. then i realised that i have yet to sort them and really i dont have much photos with scenery in them . okay liz is going to comment on that, cause she tried very hard to get me to take pictures when we were sight seeing.
but the thing is, i hate taking pictures. cause when i was 15 i realised that time will never stand still the way it does in pictures. so i stopped taking photographs. i realised that i have nothing of my jc life to remember by. haha. memories which are beautiful will remain in my head and heart with or without photographs.
i realised that i seldom use the phase "i feel". it tells alot does it. =)
been hooked on accoustic music for 2 months already. these are the songs currently on my playlist:
Everytime we touch
Yellow (Coldplay Accoustic version)
Wonderwall (Ryan Adams, Accoustic version, brillant cover)
Iris (Goo goo dolls)
You and Me (Lifehouse)
Hanging by a moment (Lifehouse, Accoustic version)
Runaway Train Yellow (Tanya Chua version)
Uninvited (Accoustic Version)
at campfire: ndy, yint zin, thazin, wint & liz
at opening ceremony: liz & bob, the photographer
at kbs: liz, ja jung (appa gom!) & ndy gom
4 hours before departure: my thoughtful mongolian friend
national theme activity day: didnt get to go DMZ, so we settle for mac's at myeongdong.
tae yeon, grace and seon mi.
Saturday, September 02, 2006 @9:41 PM
Being Twenty-SomethingThey call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizingthat there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year ortwo, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly thegreatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things toyour list of what is acceptable and what isn't.One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemyand you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One-night-stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard aswe can to figure this whole thing out.Something that Aaron sent me in the mail, which i thought was highly appropriate. food for thought.
Korea was great fun. the place was so scenic and everything. but the greatest thing was i was undisturbed for 3 weeks by work, sms and emails. haha coming back to singapore was a jarring reality shock. man the number of emails i had to check when i accessed my mail box on monday morning.
so yuppers, it has been work non-stop since i came back to singapore on monday. when i have the time, (after hectically trying to catch up with the news, my school, work and more importantly my friends) i will post the pictures up.
