Wednesday, July 12, 2006 @3:28 AM
every journey taken is a journey of experience and knowledge. with each journey i undertake, i go away feeling ever more the smallness of my existence and the humility i need to possess. the big fish in the small pond, realises that in a world of relativity, it aint that big after all.
when you were young, you use to think that you want to learn everything that you could. and there comes a stage in life where you tell the elders and seniors in your life, let me be independent. i know what i am doing. but standing at the age of 22 today, i realised how childish and wilful that statement sounds. we never know what we are doing, because we are always learning. learning from people around us, learning about the world we inhabit. learning about the things we never knew could be done, by people who are just like you and i but with more passion and conviction. each journey awakens me. alerts me to things i never knew could be possible. bring me friends, in a miraculous way. but also takes some away.
waxing lyrical now. i try very hard to be a strong person in the presence of many of you. and i know that i often am. the softer and weaker side of me, has hardly been seen by any of you. not even when i had to let go of the one person whom i felt happy and at home with. and i often wonder if this is right. but then again, when i am done with my random bursts of reflexivity, i know that this is the only way things can be and have to be. there is no alternative.
i dont know if i am truly that strong a person. i dont know what or who is it that i deserve. i dont know what is my purpose in life, what is the direction that has been set for me by God. i dont know what is it that i hold true to myself. i dont know what is it that i truly want to be or want to do. i dont know many things about life and i dont know many things about myself.
but i know, life is complex. life will be hard at times and along the way. i know that while i am tired, drained and maxed out not by the things i do, but by the multitude of emotions that swirl around me and the many disappointments and setbacks in life, life will go on. crap happens, but we pick up and go on. that is the mark of a true strong personality.
perhaps it is me. or some innate desire to be self-sacrificing, but i am always giving away the ones i love, giving away the ones i want to keep by my side. but truly, happiness is only happiness when the world shares in it. what is the point of me being happy when the people i have around me aint. the big picture versus the missing piece.
some can read me really well. some just cant understand the way i am or the way i operate and live my life. i do want to run away and hide in a corner of the world sometimes. i do want to be cold and aloof to everyone around. i do want to be invisible. i dont need to be loved by all and everyone. i dont need to be the bright spark or the life of the party. i am uncomfortable around excess emotions and too many people. i am unapologetic for my flaws and shortcomings. i want to fall asleep on the shoulders of the one person who loves me for all the things i am, who will give me a sense of relief. most of all, i want to live my life according to my own terms.
miche is waxing lyrical.
