Monday, February 20, 2006 @1:19 AM
you know how sometimes after being so tired for so long, it becomes such a part of your daily emotions that being tired becomes a normality. such a normality that ceased to feel it at all. after a while you just dont bother to want to explain anything to anyone.
passion, happiness and joy. sometimes they seem so far from my reach in so many ways, after a while you become skeptical as to whether you can really ever attain them.
these few weeks i have come to believe that almost everything is a human construct. that everything inherent doesnt have a value especially intangible things such as love etc etc. Nietzsche once espoused and declared that GOD is dead because he believed that GOD or rather the concept of God is a human construction that is put in place to enforce certain standards of morality and value. I know that this is deeply controversial and contrary to my own religious belief, but to look at it in an objective sense, morality and values and social codes how did they really come about. Human constructs to a certain extent aint they. I truly believe in the existence of GOD and that whoever or whatever GOD may be, GOD has done wonders in my life. and i am constantly learning to be appreciative of it and be grateful, struggling to find my way slowly, gradually, i dont know if it is surely, back to where i am supposed to be.
given that i have been feeling that everything is a human construct to a certain extent, means that i have no real faith or feeling towards all these things. the artifice and artificiality of the things and perhaps even people around me just pushes me further and further back into my desire to be isolated and alone. i am thankful and grateful for the friends i have who truly understands my needs and thoughts and i draw whatever strength i can from them. but i cant be the pillar and provide of support to everyone all the time, for now i only have the strength for one or two and the team that needs me the most for now.
i dont know when i would be better or feel better or if things would even get better. i will try as i am always doing. but believe me when i say that it is exhausting and tiring and i am tempted to give up more than i am driven to go on trying. and i am not afraid to admit this now, no point hiding it, i think and i seriously do, i have lost all sense of direction and control of my life as of now. slowly attempting to move back on track, but i need to do it at my own time and pace.
i dont want anyone to worry excessively. but i do feel that you have right to know. you guys are after all my friends and friends arent meant to keep things like that from each other. but this is all i would tell you. dont probe is all i ask of you. i am a deeply private person down inside, access to my innermost self is strictly forbidden (haha) unless i really really really trust you. hahah which is rare since most of the time i cant even trust myself. hahaha
anyway, miche hopes that everything is alright with everyone else. cheer up if there is anything troubling you, you know GOD is always there to learn you a shoulder to ride on whichever religion you believe in. GOD is good, all the time.
