Friday, May 21, 2004 @1:50 AM
i just realised how many of our lives have changed course and direction over the years. and how many of my friends and i have chosen to take and lead our lives in a way that we never intended for it to be. how things change and really alter over the years.
All my life, since the day i was eight, i always wanted to be a lawyer, i still want to be a lawyer, but somehow not as much anymore. throughout school,i fought and struggled against everyone who told me that i can never be one. because the genes just dont run in the family. throughout school, i did things that would allow me the better chances to be a lawyer, to get into law school and to fulfill my ambition. for the last 12 years of my life.
when i was in sec three, i once said i would never go to ACJC, why because of the preconceptions that i was taught abt the very school i have came to love so much and so greatly. in sec four, i was determine to go to ACJC. why? cos sec school was really unbearable. i needed to go to a place that was on the opposite spectrum of where i already was. and also because of someone i really admired. Sam Saw. when i was in jc, i aspired to achieve everything that Sam had. Sam graduated the year i entered school. and i worked to be everything that Sam was. Captain of the school team, humans scholar, honours roll, performance arts, psc. in a way i achieved everything sam had just one notch lower. but still i felt satisfaction and it was then that i truly and really realised that grades aint everything.
in jc, i began to question whether i really wanted to be a lawyer. in the beginning of j2, i decided i want to study international relations. i want to be a diplomat, i wanted to work for MFA. i wanted to go boston. and i got boston, but i never went.
during the As, life was bad. why? cos i gave up. i was fighting at home, because i wanted to go and no one would let me. no one understood why i wanted to do what i desired to do. i gave up cos i thought that no one cared and it doesnt matter to anyone at all. i was in depression. i willed myself psychologically not to study, i came to class sat there in a daze from 8 to 5, for days in a row, that was all that i did. sat in class in a daze. not because i did not want to work, cos deep down i know that i wanted to. i couldnt sleep in the nights. i would sleep for two hours and sat in bed crying. sobbing cos i did not want to take my As. i was tired. well then, i killed the As. from the predicted 6 distinctions, i had 1. i killed history totally. from then i let go.
being a lawyer no longer mattered. being a diplomat was of secondary concern. being a scholar was something that vanished totally from my mind. i only had to hang on to what i could have. and now i am somewhere on the way to becoming a teacher. (something i said i would never be)
i know that you think that i should have done better for the last exams. i should really have gotten better grades as compared to what i have. but you know somehow, since the end of the As, i really come to realise that getting good grades no longer matter to me. i want to get them, but i want to do other thing more. and these other things matter more. things like helping the boys winning the championships, helping the ij girls. all these things make me much more happier. i dont mind the Ds and the Cs, cos i know that i have done something that helped someone else and i have touched the lives of some. not all but some. and i know i have gained friends that are extremely valuable. and all these aint done in vain. and so i dont regret. i know i will have to study harder and get better grades in the next year, but sometimes, school is so hard and i have no idea what i am really expected to do and what kind of answers i am suppose to give. my lit is so terrible and i really dread doing lit essays and exams. cos i dont know how to do them. but i guess i will have to hang on. and i guess at the end of the day, i will have to make sure that i get the As that are needed for me. cos i really need them. i need to honours. as a scholar i do. sometimes i am really at a loss and i dont know what to do and so i do what i did in school . dont study and dont do the course, dont go to class and lectures. but instead of wallowing in the misery of my pain and lack of interest in the subject i am made to study, i choose to redirect and refocus my attention to what i am really good at. and do what i want to do and do what i know i am interested in.
and i know, somewhere along the way, in the near future to come, i will change my course and direction. the journey would go another way eventually. but one thing i know. the people i have come to love, the people i have forged such cool and lasting friendships with will never change. all of you will always be part of my life. no matter what happens. i might be cold and grumpy at times, i might sulk and grumble. but at the end of the day i will always care.
