a tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
so miche stands at the end of 2009, another year gone. Her 25th year in this life, on this planet, in this place. miche wishes that she had better things to write about the year but sadly, she doesn’t. 2009 has been a year of ups and downs, an enormous emotional roller-coaster that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight even as the year reaches its finality in another 20 odd hours or more.

miche has thought that this year might be a new beginning. Her first full year in her new job; her first year with no debates, with no drama; the year where she had to learn to let go of many things which she held dear to her heart and she had constantly sought refuge from. she honestly thought that 2009 would be a year where she learns to be happier and to feel better. She did for a good while, but with all good things in her life. they get taken away and end. just like that. so 2009 became like another year in miche’s life. with the same cycles starting again.

perhaps you can say that all of this is miche’s own doing that she persists in being in the state that she is in. perhaps you are right to judge miche as such. perhaps it is all true, but nothing that miche feels is made up. everything is real. no matter how miche tries to deny it herself.

so in 2009:
miche said goodbye to debates. miche let quah-lah nictaro, lala king, dodo fishball, renbear, hwang go. miche said goodbye to joshie and auyong who headed to the states to study. miche realizes with their departure, so will al, val, sam, jake, paul, john and terence will all one day leave and lead their own lives which miche will not be a part of anymore. miche said goodbye to theatre. miche said goodbye to A.L who once occupied the most important place in her life. Only that miche didn’t know that A.L has been replaced till it was too late. miche had to say goodbye to you even though from the day she accepted that it was what she had to do for you, she’s been in pain.

we don’t belong to no one that’s a shame
miche had thought that she was strong and independent. She is able to weather many things in life on her own. miche has always felt that it was alright that she goes home to an empty room and an empty house; she is able to be alone by herself. then things started to get really empty. there is no one to share miche’s happiness when things go well or anyone to give her a hug because she has worked really hard. neither was there anyone to hold her hand when she is down and tell her that everything is okay and she will be alright. this year, miche realize that it is indeed a shame that she belongs to no one.

and all I can breathe is your life
miche went back to the office yesterday and saw her workload for the next year. miche had thought that things might be a little better in 2010. but apparently not. the same saga as last year. miche realizes that she indeed has a useless degree. a degree that she didn’t actually want in the first place and now is indeed useless. five years of her life given for something which she thought had value and meaning, but now she knows that she doesn’t matter at all to anyone. no one really cares anyway.

like a mad man laughing at the rain / little out of touch, a little insane / easier than dealing with the pain
years ago, miche was told that a broken glass, no matter how hard we try to piece them back together remains a broken glass. the cracks will always remain, and sometimes, pieces of it will be gone forever. so. 2010. a new year no doubt. a new beginning no doubt. but will there be any changes. miche doubts. perhaps pretence and lying will make everything a little easier to bear. just a little tinier easier to bear.

miche has to get used to being by herself, alone again.

pain used to be the one thing that told miche that she was alive and she was still able to feel. anger was the other thing that told her that she is still able to be a human. but the pain has become so great that staying alive is now a chore, a struggle, a pain in and of itself. and the anger she feels has become guilt. between the pain and the guilt miche no longer knows which is worse.

miche thought that only in her madness death was such a temptation. now that the madness has passed for the day, miche realises that she does not deserve to be alive. sorry.


i can feel life, emotions and feelings draining themselves out of me. i looked into the mirror and realised that i am nothing more than an empty shell, a walking vessel with nothing in it. i find myself talking to the one thing yo left behind, imagining that yo can actually hear what i am telling him. i once wrote that loneliness is an affliction, a disease and an addiction. now i know, that death may be its literal and metaphorical cure.

so much has been said about Obama's conferment of the Nobel Peace Prize and how he is totally undeserving of the award at all. miche is no big Obama fan and miche agrees that much is left to be seen of how his administration goes. but has anyone actually stopped to think about how Obama himself feels towards the whole thing? he is afterall a world leader, the first black president in the states. miche do think that perhaps he was not in the position to decline the award. was there something else that he could have done that day at that time and place when the award was announced? was there any other option that he could have chosen? perhaps he did and perhaps he didnt.

too many a times, we as the common people, the masses forget that while we live in oblivion and in relative unimportance we become too critical and harsh on the people who take up the responsibility and burden of the world. we should cut everyone some slack. really.

miche finds it amusing how watching the most mundane of things can actually trigger her thoughts into something vaguely philosophical. So it was the episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where rachel buys an apothcary table from pottery barn and lies to phoebe that it was a one-of-a-kind table from the days of yore as phoebe hates anything which is not one of a kind. rachel then goes over to ross's place where she realises to her horror that ross bought the same table. she tries to get ross to hide the table and ross blurts out to rachel that twins are not one of a kind.

that was what that got miche thinking.

identical twins = two of the same embryo = therefore, not one of a kind

HOWEVER,

twin births are in fact one of a kind = ergo, twins are special.

but isnt that an irony of nature, rather a paradox, that we are all simultaneously one of kind and yet not.

hmmm... same goes for triplets, quadruplets and the list goes on. how funny God can be.

After a while, you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning

and company doesnt mean security,

And you learn that kisses arent contracts

and presents arent promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes open,

with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

and that you really are strong

and you really do have worth.

-----

As We Walk Through Life

I've learned - that you can do something in an instant

that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned - that it's taking me a long time

to become the person I want to be.

I've learned - that you should always leave

loved ones with loving words.

It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned - that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do,

no matter how we feel.

I've learned - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,

the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done

when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,

but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned - that true friendship continues to grow,

even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had

and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you.

It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you

and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I've learned - that no matter how good a friend is,

they're going to hurt you every once in a while

and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others,

Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,

but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned - that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned - that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned - that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes, by people who don't even know you.

I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned - that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I know it's late now I know I ought to go
Ride in your car now but please don't drop me home
My head's so heavy, could this be all a dream?
Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean
Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive
Take me through make me fell alive, alive
When I ride with you

Keep my heart turning on axles around you
Keep our love burning just like it used to do
Now just for us, they could play our favourite tune
Let's not discuss all these things we can't undo
Let

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive
Take me through make me fell alive, alive
When I ride with you

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just drive

-Drive, Bic Runga-

i think i am going a little mad over the whole thing. dont get too upset with me when sometimes i dont really want to say a word, it is only because i dont know what to say and i dont want to screw things up. it is very trying i know. it is a difficult place to be, i hope you understand because i am really nowhere here nor nowhere there. the whole of the last three days was not easy to get through only because everywhere i go i am reminded of how i dont really have you. so please, dont get upset with me when i appear cold and unresponsive because i am trying really hard to be strong for you. maybe when i am able to find the correct words to put everything into perspective, i will be okay. i am sorry, my dear.

Stateless boy 3rd in Japan paper airplane contest
By JAY ALABASTER,Associated Press Writer - Monday, September 21

TOKYO – A boy with no official nationality who lives in Thailand captured third place in a Japanese paper airplane contest Sunday after his tearful pleas to be allowed to attend prompted authorities to grant him a rare temporary passport for the event.

Mong Thongdee, 12, won a national paper airplane championship in Thailand in August 2008 after he threw a plane that flew for 12 seconds, and was later chosen to attend the Japanese contest in Chiba, near Tokyo. But Mong, who lives in Chiang Mai in northern Thailand, is the son of Myanmar migrants who are stateless and so have no legal right to travel abroad.

His first application to leave Thailand was denied, but after national media coverage of him quietly sobbing after the refusal captured the hearts of many Thais he was granted a temporary passport.

Mong appeared Sunday in a white T-shirt decorated with the Thai flag, whipping his carefully folded airplanes high into the air during the competition in front of hundreds of spectators.

He placed third in the division for elementary school students with a time of 10.53 seconds. In an earlier exhibition, Mong's airplane stayed in the air for 16.45 seconds.

After the event he said he wanted his family back home to know he got third place, and that he was grateful to the people who supported him.

On Saturday, his three-person Thai team won the group competition. Contestants quickly fold their planes at the event, then throw them into the air.

Mong's ethnic Shan parents have only temporary permission to live and work in Thailand, so although he was born in the country he has only temporary resident status. Under normal circumstances, if he left and tried to return, his status would be revoked and he would be barred re-entry to the country where he was born.

When his initial application for temporary exit papers was denied, the story dominated the front pages of Thai newspapers, and a national lawyers' council petitioned the court on his behalf.

His tale has led to fresh attention for those in his situation in Thailand, who have less access to education and health care. Mong is on a list of people who will be considered for repatriation to Myanmar in February 2010.

(1) miche collects soft toys, teddy bears more precisely because she feels that they are the only things which wont leave her ever.

(2) miche needs to buy things in pairs, when they are for herself because she feels that if she buys things singularly, they will feel lonely and left behind. worse if the item she wants comes in a set.

(3) miche doesnt like the color yellow because she associates it with the idea of a third party. because yellow is always paired with blue somehow but miche feels that blue's natural partner is red.

(4) miche likes to talk to herself most of the time, under her own breathe so no one can really hear her.

(5 ) miche likes to refer to her in third person. and this seriously freak people out.

(6) miche doesnt like the light. she really do prefer to be in the dark as it makes her feel much happier not knowing what is out there.

(7) miche finds walking around aimlessly rather therapeutic. it makes her happy especially in the middle of the night.

(8) miche doesnt like her food to be mixed up. it makes her upset.

(9) miche is totally random. her brain thinks of strange things all the time. like if she is ever to manage a war operation, she will bomb bridges first and then hospitals.

(10) miche tells her own brain to shut up, rather often so that she can actually sleep at night.

(11) miche doesnt like talking to be people, really, even though being a debater is what miche lives for.

(12) miche used to think that cookie monster will answer all her prayers, until the day when no tickets appeared for that show miche wanted to watch.

(13) miche is bipolar.