Tuesday, November 10, 2009 @6:02 PM
someone show miche a way to make all of these go away. really just make all of these go away. miche doesnt know who else is there she can depend on anymore. so really. just make all of these go away. or miche will go far far away. take everything and go away.
@6:02 PM
very antithesis of love wasnt hate – it was apathy.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009 @12:02 AM
miche saw this on meeche's blog. it is so cute and it has miche's school motto on it. haha. robert frost's poem.
come grow old with me, the best is yet to be.
how miche wish that she can say this to someone.
Sunday, October 18, 2009 @11:39 PM
so much has been said about Obama's conferment of the Nobel Peace Prize and how he is totally undeserving of the award at all. miche is no big Obama fan and miche agrees that much is left to be seen of how his administration goes. but has anyone actually stopped to think about how Obama himself feels towards the whole thing? he is afterall a world leader, the first black president in the states. miche do think that perhaps he was not in the position to decline the award. was there something else that he could have done that day at that time and place when the award was announced? was there any other option that he could have chosen? perhaps he did and perhaps he didnt.
too many a times, we as the common people, the masses forget that while we live in oblivion and in relative unimportance we become too critical and harsh on the people who take up the responsibility and burden of the world. we should cut everyone some slack. really.
i think the mania is starting again. and it is gaining momentum this time round. the rapid cycles of laughter and tears i go through over the last few days is starting to scare me.
Saturday, October 17, 2009 @12:59 AM
"Anyone"
Anyone who have a love close to this
Knows what I'm saying
Anyone who wants a dream to come true
Knows how I'm feeling
All I can think of is you and me
Doing the things I wanna do
All I imagine is heaven on earth
I know it's you
Anyone who ever kissed in the rain
Knows the whole meaning
Anyone who ever stood in the light
Needs no explaining
But everything more or less appears so meaningless
Blue and cold
Walking alone through the afternoon traffic
I miss you so
Anyone who felt like I do
Anyone who wasn't ready to fall
Anyone who loved like I do
Knows it never really happens at all
It's over when it's over
What can I do about it
Now that it's over
Everything more or less is looking so meaningless
And fades to grey
Lying awake in an ocean of teardrops
I float away
Anyone who ever felt like I do
Anyone who wasn't ready to fall
Anyone who loved like I do
Knows it never really happens at all
It's over when it's over
What can I do about it
Now it's all over
i am beginning to think that i dont belong in your world at all. and that i should perhaps gracefully bow out. i dont want to have to face the day when my mania and depression becomes something which you have to deal with. nor do i want to have to face the day when i realise that i cant do without you at all. tonight i feel decidedly selfish and i dont want to share you with anyone. but i cant bring myself to say those words out. and i am angry with myself for thinking so. i dont think you will ever understand.
Monday, October 12, 2009 @12:01 PM
i dont know why but i suddenly feel fearful.
Sunday, October 11, 2009 @8:54 PM
miche thanks paul, sam, al, jake and val for coming to visit miche on sat and sun respectively so miche wasnt that bored at home doing nothing. it was really fun having you guys around cause we always end up laughing at so many things.
anyway sam and the rest were taking a look at the pictures miche's parents put up in the living room and miche realised some things.
(1) miche is devilishly white. and miche means
white. miche realises that she is actually quite devoid of any colour pigmentation. even as she stood in the lift by herself today, she realised the same thing looking down at her own hands. miche is white, as like miche has no blood in her body at all.
(2) miche's hands has tons of veins popping out of them, particularly at the back of her palms and on her fingers. which is ironic because the doctors and nurses could not find a single usable vein for injection on her arms, wrists and elbows at all last week. which is why miche has holes all over her body now and brusies that looked as if she has just been beaten up by someone.
(3) miche has oddly shaped eyes and miche doesnt know how to describe it at all.
(4) miche really dont resemble her family members. the closest should be liability 2.
miche is sleepy again and she doesnt know why she keeps wanting to sleep these few weeks. she thinks she has been infected.
Thursday, October 08, 2009 @6:48 PM
miche has been stuck at home for the last four days and miche is gradually going mad from boredom. there is nothing to do but lie around the house either on the bed or on the sofa. miche has watched countless reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Just Shoot Me. There is no one to talk to for like 75% of the day, miche gets to eat blanched vegetables and boiled fish and plain rice. miche has to take painkillers twice a day. miche is going mad. she managed to convince her parents that she needed to go back to work to day albeit for a short 2 hours. but the weekend is coming and miche fears her mind will go mad again. sighs.
miche doesnt know what she wants anymore and she is going to eat boiled fish and blanched vegetables again before popping pills.
Friday, October 02, 2009 @8:55 PM
if it matters to you at all, i am in terrible pain and you have not even asked if i was feeling alright after the message i sent you this morning.
@12:09 PM
pain. miche is in so much senseless pain. one entire side of miche's body has pain radiating up and down. ah. miche thinks she is dying. for real.
Thursday, October 01, 2009 @8:46 AM
You know how those marketing dudes always keep coming up with a way to put a nice spin on even the most horrendous of things? Well, “vintage” is just one of them. By making a second hand consumer goodie sound like something valuable, they make you wear pother people’s old clothes, walk around in shoes that their original owners threw out and what not. This pair of vintage jeans is a great example of that. Over 100 years old, this old pair of LEVI’S was found in a mine in the Rand Mining District, on the Mojave Desert, California. Covered in candle wax from the candles the miners used to light the tunnel they was working in, the pair was found with and old paper bag with the name of a mercantile store which operated between 1895 and 1898 in the town or Randsburg.
hi miche!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009 @9:15 PM
driel miche isnt sam. why do i want a darth vader statue?
miche is in pain. hai.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 @4:24 PM
If you are blessed with a rich as well as pampering dad or destiny has been kind to you to keep your wallet loaded, then nothing can stop you from owning this Limited Edition Darth Vader Bronze Statue. The only necessary factor is that you need to be an ardent Star Wars fan. Sculpted by Lawrence Noble, the inspiration for this Vader bronze came from a source usually associated with the Star Wars prequels, that is the planet Coruscant. Standing 4 feet tall and weighing 150 lbs., this majestic statue sports a particular attitude as it is frozen with one foot raised on a little precipice. Only 30 such life-like bronze Vaders are available for a colossal amount of
$18,000 each.
Monday, September 28, 2009 @10:51 PM
miche finds it amusing how watching the most mundane of things can actually trigger her thoughts into something vaguely philosophical. So it was the episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where rachel buys an apothcary table from pottery barn and lies to phoebe that it was a one-of-a-kind table from the days of yore as phoebe hates anything which is not one of a kind. rachel then goes over to ross's place where she realises to her horror that ross bought the same table. she tries to get ross to hide the table and ross blurts out to rachel that twins are not one of a kind.
that was what that got miche thinking.
identical twins = two of the same embryo = therefore, not one of a kind
HOWEVER,
twin births are in fact one of a kind = ergo, twins are special.
but isnt that an irony of nature, rather a paradox, that we are all simultaneously one of kind and yet not.
hmmm... same goes for triplets, quadruplets and the list goes on. how funny God can be.
i am starting to learn not to expect anything from you and take it all in my stride. perhaps this is the best way to deal with the situation and we can be what we really want to be.
Thursday, September 24, 2009 @11:30 AM
xue qian's blog title says "the show must go on". and yes miche agrees with xue qian that indeed the show must go on , no matter how much sometimes we tell ourselves that everything must end and one day we must take our last curtain call.
miche guesses that there are many different points in our lives that we have
had to make that curtain call. over the last 7 years or so of miche's life, miche figures that there have at least been 5 or 6 times when she had to say something or done something for the last time.
28 Dec 2002: the last time miche ever stepped in ACJC as student, suddenly she realised that she had to grow up.
2004: the last time miche allowed herself to be really depressed over not going to america, though miche still deeply regrets having been denied the chance.
2005: the last time miche decided to let grades and examinations get the better of her.
2006: the last time miche decided that A.L did not matter that much anymore and she is going to stop waiting.
2007: the last time miche ever stage-managed an theatre event.
2008: the last time miche is ever willing to put her life in the hands of another person and trust that he will take care of her.
2008: the last time miche took a team and won debating championships. miche guesses it may the last of debates that she will ever do.
miche wonders if there is going to be a last time for her somehow this year in 2009. but really, the show must go on. because if it doesnt, miche guesses that will be the day she dies.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 @11:12 PM
three and a half years ago miche blogged these words and tonight after feeling that she is totally an idiot miche is blogging the same words again.
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning
and company doesnt mean security,
And you learn that kisses arent contracts
and presents arent promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
and that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.
-----
As We Walk Through Life
I've learned - that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned - that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I've learned - that you should always leave
loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned - that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.
I've learned - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned - that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you.
It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you
and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.
I've learned - that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others,
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned - that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned - that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned - that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes, by people who don't even know you.
I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned - that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
@10:43 PM
miche's an idiot.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 @4:37 PM
I know it's late now I know I ought to go
Ride in your car now but please don't drop me home
My head's so heavy, could this be all a dream?
Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean
Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive
Take me through make me fell alive, alive
When I ride with you
Keep my heart turning on axles around you
Keep our love burning just like it used to do
Now just for us, they could play our favourite tune
Let's not discuss all these things we can't undo
Let
Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive
Take me through make me fell alive, alive
When I ride with you
Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just drive
-Drive, Bic Runga-
i think i am going a little mad over the whole thing. dont get too upset with me when sometimes i dont really want to say a word, it is only because i dont know what to say and i dont want to screw things up. it is very trying i know. it is a difficult place to be, i hope you understand because i am really nowhere here nor nowhere there. the whole of the last three days was not easy to get through only because everywhere i go i am reminded of how i dont really have you. so please, dont get upset with me when i appear cold and unresponsive because i am trying really hard to be strong for you. maybe when i am able to find the correct words to put everything into perspective, i will be okay. i am sorry, my dear.
Monday, September 21, 2009 @9:51 AM
Stateless boy 3rd in Japan paper airplane contest
By JAY ALABASTER,Associated Press Writer - Monday, September 21
TOKYO – A boy with no official nationality who lives in Thailand captured third place in a Japanese paper airplane contest Sunday after his tearful pleas to be allowed to attend prompted authorities to grant him a rare temporary passport for the event.
Mong Thongdee, 12, won a national paper airplane championship in Thailand in August 2008 after he threw a plane that flew for 12 seconds, and was later chosen to attend the Japanese contest in Chiba, near Tokyo. But Mong, who lives in Chiang Mai in northern Thailand, is the son of Myanmar migrants who are stateless and so have no legal right to travel abroad.
His first application to leave Thailand was denied, but after national media coverage of him quietly sobbing after the refusal captured the hearts of many Thais he was granted a temporary passport.
Mong appeared Sunday in a white T-shirt decorated with the Thai flag, whipping his carefully folded airplanes high into the air during the competition in front of hundreds of spectators.
He placed third in the division for elementary school students with a time of 10.53 seconds. In an earlier exhibition, Mong's airplane stayed in the air for 16.45 seconds.
After the event he said he wanted his family back home to know he got third place, and that he was grateful to the people who supported him.
On Saturday, his three-person Thai team won the group competition. Contestants quickly fold their planes at the event, then throw them into the air.
Mong's ethnic Shan parents have only temporary permission to live and work in Thailand, so although he was born in the country he has only temporary resident status. Under normal circumstances, if he left and tried to return, his status would be revoked and he would be barred re-entry to the country where he was born.
When his initial application for temporary exit papers was denied, the story dominated the front pages of Thai newspapers, and a national lawyers' council petitioned the court on his behalf.
His tale has led to fresh attention for those in his situation in Thailand, who have less access to education and health care. Mong is on a list of people who will be considered for repatriation to Myanmar in February 2010.
a simple child with a simple wish, yet never did he know that his simple wish will make a huge difference for his people. paper aeroplanes that carry out dreams out into the air and hope that angels will pick them up and make them come true.
miche knows what her paper aeroplane dream is, what about you?
@12:58 AM
miche enjoys the feeling of feeling a little intoxicated all the time. haha it is 1 am and miche is still awake and she feels that she should complete whatever work she needs to do. but yet, miche is strangely distracted. it is way too hot to work and miche keeps sweating the whole time. miche needs to stop thinking. like really.
Saturday, September 19, 2009 @12:13 AM
baby, miche misses you already and it's only been 7 hours.
Monday, September 14, 2009 @12:47 AM
miche is waiting to be discovered.
Sunday, September 13, 2009 @1:02 AM
miche is annoyed with her keyboard and she figures that she has to bring the keyboard for repair, once she gets her apple care registration up. cause for some reason the "U", "7" and "0" keys decided not to work at all. fustrating!!!
anyway, miche has come to the conclusion that the men in her life. yes the men in her are all so damn bloody fickle minded they can never make up their minds about what they want to do or what they want.
liability one lost his job and found one only to decide that he didnt want it after all.
liability two cant make up his mind about what he wants to after graduation. he says he wants to wait and see which vocation he gets posted to before he decides whether he wants to sign on with the army and get a scholarship.
the father cannot decide which course of treatment is better: to be harsh or to be kind. and he ends up contridicting himself half the time.
jude cant decide if he wants to end stuff once and for all.
A.L cant decide which side of the fence he wants to swing.
the last one just cant decide if he wants miche or not.
all the men in miche's life. fail. seriously fail.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009 @3:07 PM
joshie is leaving tonight at 1120pm. flying off to the land of dreams, the land where years ago many people from this part of the world envision would be the place where all their dreams will come true.
amongst all the kids, joshie is perhaps the one persom whom miche feels the most kindred to. joshie and miche's birthdays are only 8 days apart and one day, we realised that we have almost similar taste in songs.
miche knows that she is going to miss having joshie around, just like how he went 'missing' during his NS years.
so, joshie, miche wishes you all the best in your new phase of life. go and explore and be whoever you want all these years. if anyone, miche knows you will be the one who doesnt change. miche loves you much.
Friday, September 04, 2009 @5:19 PM
miche wants...the whole collection of Oxford World's Classics. Just so her shelves look intellectual. ha. miche was packing her bookshelves two days ago. a long time since she packed her shelves. re-categorised everything. made her feel so happy to see everything in order. happiness.
miche wants more books. haha
@1:05 AM
here is a list of miche's eccentricities, well basically cause miche isnt exactly the easiest person to get around.
(1) miche collects soft toys, teddy bears more precisely because she feels that they are the only things which wont leave her ever.
(2) miche needs to buy things in pairs, when they are for herself because she feels that if she buys things singularly, they will feel lonely and left behind. worse if the item she wants comes in a set.
(3) miche doesnt like the color yellow because she associates it with the idea of a third party. because yellow is always paired with blue somehow but miche feels that blue's natural partner is red.
(4) miche likes to talk to herself most of the time, under her own breathe so no one can really hear her.
(5 ) miche likes to refer to her in third person. and this seriously freak people out.
(6) miche doesnt like the light. she really do prefer to be in the dark as it makes her feel much happier not knowing what is out there.
(7) miche finds walking around aimlessly rather therapeutic. it makes her happy especially in the middle of the night.
(8) miche doesnt like her food to be mixed up. it makes her upset.
(9) miche is totally random. her brain thinks of strange things all the time. like if she is ever to manage a war operation, she will bomb bridges first and then hospitals.
(10) miche tells her own brain to shut up, rather often so that she can actually sleep at night.
(11) miche doesnt like talking to be people, really, even though being a debater is what miche lives for.
(12) miche used to think that cookie monster will answer all her prayers, until the day when no tickets appeared for that show miche wanted to watch.
(13) miche is bipolar.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 @11:13 PM
this was part of the poem which miche was reading the other day. totally taken out of context, but still you know. haha. somehow fitting with miche's life and damn it. miche cant sleep again.
vague uses gestures. bearing futile witness.
things which miche does. or supposedly do.
Friday, August 21, 2009 @2:00 AM
the greatest irony of my life, i know that my depression is irrational. and yet, no amount of rationality is going to stop that irrationality. aaron was right, my determination is both at once my greatest strength and my fatal flaw. is this harmatia i wonder. but no doubt, i have yet to achieve or attain any form of catharsis. and i smile strangely at myself, amused at how the irrationality is indeed becoming mania and rage, going a little weird up there. because beyond the depression, the worse thing is the intellectual and rational recognition that this is all irrational. yet, i cant snap out of it. so what is left, is to laugh at my own ridiculous-ness, my own irrationality in an attempt to make sense out of insensibility. too much laughter and i will start to descend again. welcome to my world of emotional roller-circles where no one knows where the beginning and end is. and i guess no one will ever find it the start and the conclusion.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009 @4:53 PM
Playground school bell rings againRain clouds come to play againHas no one told you she's not breathing?Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk toHelloIf I smile and don't believeSoon I know I'll wake from this dreamDon't try to fix me, I'm not brokenHello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hideDon't crySuddenly I know I'm not sleepingHello, I'm still hereAll that's left of yesterday
@1:17 AM
i am tired. i am very very tired. i am exhausted to the point in which i really dont know what to say to anyone anymore. i woke up this morning and was decidedly depressed. work is making my depression worse. it really is. i dont know what else to do and i dont know what else to feel. i feel claustrophobic. i feel suffocated. physically, i really do. i feel as if at times, i cant even breathe. increasingly, i just want to collapse and die. literally collapse and die. i dont even know what to say to him when he asks me what is wrong. i can only mutter under my breath i am tired. i dont think i can go on anymore, this time i think it is for real. because my head is no longer clear. and it is no longer rationally telling me that i need to go on. but that it is perhaps time to give up.
miche needs a sign from somewhere. God, can you hear her?
Monday, August 17, 2009 @10:48 AM
miche is proud of you auyoung, though you do seriously embarass us by dancing in the middle of suntec to joshie's boom-beats and repeatedly demonstration how to do the body wave. and miche is happy for all the rest of you. miche knew that one day you would overtake her and that is what you guys are on your way to do. =)
more people to add to list who will take care of miche in her old age. whoever told miche that she needed to marry and have kids, haha. please.
Was it such a tragedy
Being you ... Being me ?
Smoke clears,the pictures fades
but I stay back in yesterday
All the strangers come and go
All of them will never know ...
Monday, August 10, 2009 @9:18 PM
miche misses the days of the past where all she did was to party and have fun. it didnt matter where she was, in a pub, in a club or in the lounge of some posh hotel. where all that matters was who she was with and what she was doing. those days were fun and carefree and strangely, miche felt more adult than she does now. for some reason, it feels as if there is some sort of retrogression in her life and that she is now a kid more than an adult.
being around people really doesnt do her any good. miche is becoming more and more claustrophobic and anti-social, and more and more she is retreating back into her ownself and would rather be alone than to go out. staying in the room has become kinda fun.
miche has a strange craving for KFC all of a sudden. all these unhealthy food.
Monday, August 03, 2009 @11:01 PM
many years ago, in borders miche came across this postcard and she bought only 1 piece and now it is out of print. but it has remained miche's fave photo since then. miche wants to be like the dog in the picture. happy and blissful, because it has a teddy to hug.
check out artunlimited.
i am one day late. but happy birthday anyway.
@9:47 PM
Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean Rain fall from concrete coloured sky No boy, don't speak now you just Drive, drive, drive
Thursday, July 30, 2009 @11:35 PM
a month ago, ming told miche in a rather angry and frustrated tone that miche should stop allowing people to take her as a subsitute and miche should stop feeling that it is okay to be a replacement. miche was just looking through her postcard collections just now to find a card for a birthday when she came across her old entries in her not so little black book. and miche realised some things.
(1) miche's dressing has not changed over the last 10 years. miche has a photo of her at 15, dressed exactly like what she wore today. only that miche was much thinner than and she had short hair which made her look her liability 2.
(2) miche is really rather abnormal. in so many ways and her thoughts are really random. but she is really conflicted over many choices she has made.
(3) the process of growing up sometimes mean that you learn to forget and learn to accept imperfections. that you learn that no one is perfect and take whatever you can from life. growing up sometimes teaches you that life is just life that you cant force things to change no matter how much you want it, destiny is a strange concept and we will never really know who is in charge, us, the other party or God.
(4) ming is right, miche is so accustomed to being second fiddle that it has become a part of her. ironic.
(5) no amount of writing is truly cathartic. just like how no amount of alcohol actually makes miche happy and forget her problems.
(6) miche always says that it will be the last time but somehow the last time always leads to a new problem and there will be another last time again.
the grass is indeed always greener on the other side. miche realised that. but growing up isnt that bad after all.
"your life is the sum of all the choices you make"
miche: "i know and i make them conscientiously. i know that they have a negative impact on me. but i choose to do so".
"but they make you so tired all the time"
miche: "i never told you that i was tired, have i ever? *quizzes* or did you assume that i am tired all the time?"
"well, you never really said so, but i assume that you are...but really you should reexamine your choices."
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 @10:30 PM
... perfectly imperfect ...
...words, words,words
are all we have...
~Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guilderstern are Dead~
Never fails
And Always Amuse
The dramatic irony
Of worlds and words
We find ourselves
Perennially searching
In eternal endlessness…
Only to return
To the one which
Eludes
Millions around
In so many forms
Yet, struggles
To find the one
Who speaks,
The meaning of us
Convoluted, complicated, complex
Confusing
Sense is made
World created
Only to know it
Is temporal
We seek comfort in the mastery of words
But even as pen meets paper,
We realize that we are merely scratching
life
In an instant can be erased.
No word
Suffices.
Suddenly, blank
Silence erupts.
Thursday, July 23, 2009 @12:36 AM
burned out. miche keeps hearing this term over the last few days. and she is now thinking what exactly does burning out entail? literally like a candle? if that is the case, then there is no chance for recovering because when a candle burns out, the candle has reached the end of its short short oily waxy life. so what does burn out really mean?
will you be able to be burn out if you are already at the end of the wick? where there is nothing left to burn save whatever little amount of wax and wick you can struggle to hang on too...
so which is harder? to live a lie or to try to be normal? miche was told once, that miche did not belong to the group of society which is deemed normal and it is a blessing to be difference. miche knows that and miche understands that. but nonetheless, miche struggles each day to believe that normalcy is a fallacy to her, and that being abnormal is a blessing. this highs and lows are driving her mad.
sometimes, the truth eludes everyone. and ironically, it is the clearest to the one person who cannot see it.
blink blink, maybe it will reappear.
miche hopes.
Friday, July 17, 2009 @12:10 AM
Bipolar disorder, also known as
manic depression,
manic depressive disorder or
bipolar affective disorder, is a
psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of
mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as
mania or, if milder,
hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience
depressive episodes or symptoms, or
mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal"
mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as
rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to
psychotic symptoms such as
delusions and
hallucinations.
Manic episode
Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated, expansive, or irritable mood state. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep. A person's speech may be pressured, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired; sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable. People may feel they have been "chosen", are "on a special mission", or other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood.[7] Many people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.
Hypomanic episode
Hypomania is generally a mild to moderate level of mania, characterized by optimism, pressure of speech and activity, and decreased need for sleep. Some people have increased creativity while others demonstrate poor judgment and irritability. These persons generally have increased energy and tend to become more active than usual. They do not, however, have delusions or hallucinations. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness, though it carries the same risks as mania.
Hypomania may feel good to the person who experiences it. Thus, even when family and friends learn to recognize the mood swings, the individual often will deny that anything is wrong.[9]
@12:04 AM
once again words elude miche. years ago miche once wrote that words words words are all that we have. and now true it is. words are all we have.
miche suddenly realises that she has no one left to depend on and lean on. this time round, it isnt about her but everyone else. if only she has other emotions besides these.
the mania has turned to rage. intense incredible unexplainable rage.
Monday, June 29, 2009 @3:27 AM
michael jackson has been one of miche's most liked singers, only because he is so quirky and eccentric. somehow miche feels that his passing is the best thing that could have possibly happened to him. the poor man-child, even in death he is not left alone to rest in peace.
but here's to wacko jacko and perhaps the one song that best befits the description of his life.
Man in the Mirror I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .
As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)
I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?
A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.
Friday, June 26, 2009 @4:12 PM
this is irony. really it is. miche's horoscope for today
You're apt to be feeling pretty strong right now, Michelle. Health-wise, you're probably in at least fairly good shape, and your mind is sharp and quick. You might, however, have outgrown some departments of your life that might not seem what they once were. One of these departments could be your work. You might be considering leaving behind a job done primarily for money, and going for a profession you really love. If it works for you, do it!
Thursday, June 25, 2009 @1:39 AM
miche feels really useless tonight. she really does.
Sunday, June 21, 2009 @6:42 PM
the whole of 2009 from beginning till now has seem to be a time where many of miche's friends are closing chapters in their lives and starting new adventures and new chapters with new people.
miche wonders when will she have the chance to close this chapter of her life and start a new one elsewhere.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 @4:06 PM
meeche. come home. hahah han oppa better come by to say hi at the end of the year =) hope the studio apartment is ready for your residence =)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009 @7:11 PM
why is it that miche always met or have people in her life who think that they know her better than herself? people who cannot accept the fact that emotions besides anger and guilt do not feature at all in her life. people who insist and persist on imposing their own opinions, standpoints and views on her, and perpetuating those opinions, standpoints and views, regardless of what she tells them. no matter how hard she tells them. why cant people just understand that miche is incapable of feeling about things the same way that normal people do? that her perspective on life is way different from the norm.
miche is not trying to make herself seem drastically different, but miche just needs people to understand and realise that miche isnt really the norm and she cant be the norm. all these impositions and insistence is making miche feel that she is abnormal and once again, miche doesnt like this feeling. as it is miche is already rather unhappy with the state of life. miche has always been unhappy but things and people are not making it better. if miche can make an effort to separate her emotions and work then why cant others let her be? miche understands that things arent always that easy to compartmentalise but at least respect her choice to make it so. dont force her to feel things which she doesnt feel. dont force her to think things which doesnt want to think. dont force her to become someone she is not.
as it is, miche already have difficulties trying to keep everything under control, dont make it worse for her please. just dont. can miche have her own little sphere of privacy where for a single moment in the day she can be who she really is even when there are people around?
i told him today that i have bigger and worse problems than insomnia to deal with. i told him two days ago that the self-destruction started way before he even knew me. i think i am telling him too many things and i should stop. the last thing i want is for him to be the emotional clutch in my life because i dont need another false sense of security.
Monday, June 08, 2009 @2:59 AM
to miche's beloved god-brothers, she cant find another picture which is more apt and suited to represent them. hurhur. presenting - evil xiao poh poh and evil xiao jun jun =D
miche = evil xiao chang chang
Wednesday, May 27, 2009 @8:07 PM
miche was told today that miche was a ferrero rocher instead of a kantos (well at least miche thinks it is spelt that way) but not a lint. miche told that it was quite a funny metaphor and found an empty ferrero roundnoir on her table. so miche proceeded to take the roundnoir box (dark chocolate rocher and slightly more expensive) to the person who said that she was a rocher and said "i am not a rocher, i am this!" well not in an angry way, cause miche was terribly amused by the comment.
somehow everyone thinks that miche is tired and down and everything these few weeks. truth be told, miche thinks that intellectually, she has had enough of the nonsense that has been happening and somehow she doesnt think that she is able to take the nonsense on an intellectual level anymore.
for the longest time miche has always known that she needs to compartmentalise her emotions and thoughts in order to survive. miche knows that it sounds weird and very strange and complex, but that is how miche has learnt how to deal with life and survive. and now this compartmentalising is the only thing that is keeping miche going but somehow soon these compartments are going to collapse into one. miche has too much anger against the world and against everyone.
miche needs to move to another planet, cause she is just tired.
i was reminded once again the other day of how you insulted and made me feel so small 3 years back. the damage you have done is more than you can ever imagine, so dont send emails and requests for friends, or even try to pretend that nothing is wrong. that period of my life that 6 short months is the one period i want to forget and yet know that i should never ever forget. because you taught me through your actions, that i am worth more than all you have ever treated me as and i should never be allowed to be treated as such ever again. so just leave and take everything and everyone who will remind me of you away and stay away.
Friday, May 15, 2009 @8:39 AM
miche is sitting in the office just wondering why is it that people can never shrug off some of what miche considers the most restraining conventions of society.
years ago, miche's friend's mother told her that it was imperative that we should all get married because that is the only way that a woman can fulfill her destiny. miche was 12. At that time, miche was like, hmmm maybe that can be true, but then as miche grew up and became older, she got to thinking about why is that marriage is perhaps one of the most defining characteristics of being a woman. why should that be so. anyway, this morning in the car, miche was told something that make her think again.
why do people impose their values of marriage on others? okay fine, maybe impose is too strong a word but you know what miche means. anyway, miche is too lazy to continue. later.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009 @9:09 AM
today is the 13 of May, joshie clark kent hiew's birthday. miche cant believe that joshie hiew is 21 today, officially that is. miche was 19 when miche met joshie and now joshie is 21. that is long. haha =) anyway, happy 21st joshie hiew from all of us who are crazy, maniac, insane but still ultimately fun loving, loyal and best people to be friends with. yeah, all of us except, miche doesnt know where cheam and jake went, well val was takin the picture. =)
we love you joshie hiew. you know we do. =D
Tuesday, May 12, 2009 @4:59 PM
the phase of the day: man is someone who give you a very strong sense of "an quan gan" where he is around.
miche couldnt stop laughing when she saw this pop up in her msn window. imagine the hilarity of the entire thing. anyway, miche spent the entire of the long weekend drinking, too much alcohol, she is surprised she is still up and walking on tuesday and not poisoned somewhere. her parents are heading to genting tmrw and wont be back till sat, which means miche is home alone for the entire week. hurhur.
miche forgot how funny jude can be. he made miche laugh on sunday night. heh. bye kohei. go back to uk and tell me three days before. miche is going to miss you =)
miche saw this on meeche's blog. it is so cute and it has miche's school motto on it. haha. robert frost's poem.
meeche. come home. hahah han oppa better come by to say hi at the end of the year =) hope the studio apartment is ready for your residence =)
today is the 13 of May, joshie clark kent hiew's birthday. miche cant believe that joshie hiew is 21 today, officially that is. miche was 19 when miche met joshie and now joshie is 21. that is long. haha =) anyway, happy 21st joshie hiew from all of us who are crazy, maniac, insane but still ultimately fun loving, loyal and best people to be friends with. yeah, all of us except, miche doesnt know where cheam and jake went, well val was takin the picture. =)