solitude

2011-05-24T01:58:00.001+08:00

miche needs to find a permanent solution to the insomnia and the general pain that is everywhere in her body. increasingly, miche feels unwell and strained in various places of her body and honestly, she needs a solution.

2011-05-10T16:10:00.003+08:00

it is sad that miche would rather fall asleep on a hard table top with nothing but a pull over to keep her warm than to go home and sleep on her bed.

2011-04-13T21:31:00.002+08:00

epiphanies. revelations. ugly and hard truths.

the moment of truth in your lies

it can be rather humbling and sobering to realise the truth of your existence as it randomly hits you on a random street in a random place at a random time. and it makes you wonder if your mind and brain has subjectively alter reality to fit the "truth" that you have always envision so that you dont have a mental breakdown.

so miche had a revelation about her life around two to three weeks ago. it was pretty amazing and downright depressing. and miche knows that miche is tired of working so hard for all her life and getting nothing in return.

every day is one day too much, every minute is one minute too long. but miche should think that she is lucky, she guess cause at least she knows she is unwell and all that is on the surface is yet another pretence.

goodnight world, for another night. perhaps someday for the last time.

2010-08-01T22:58:00.001+08:00

in the company of solitude and loneliness

2010-01-05T02:59:00.002+08:00

this is the end.

fuck the wonders of the world.
fuck the moral high and mighties who judge miche cause she is different
fuck the so-called objectives who cannot accept individuality which is different from their rules
fuck the perceptions of who you think miche is
fuck all the people who force miche to conform
fuck all of you who used and abused miche.

really, swan song. one more thing to cross out on the countdown of the 50 things miche will do. delete this blog and burn everything.

one more reason to tell me that miche needs to bleed to know that she is alive.

2010-01-03T03:07:00.000+08:00

Solitude

by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

2009-12-31T18:25:00.002+08:00

a tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
so miche stands at the end of 2009, another year gone. Her 25th year in this life, on this planet, in this place. miche wishes that she had better things to write about the year but sadly, she doesn’t. 2009 has been a year of ups and downs, an enormous emotional roller-coaster that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight even as the year reaches its finality in another 20 odd hours or more.

miche has thought that this year might be a new beginning. Her first full year in her new job; her first year with no debates, with no drama; the year where she had to learn to let go of many things which she held dear to her heart and she had constantly sought refuge from. she honestly thought that 2009 would be a year where she learns to be happier and to feel better. She did for a good while, but with all good things in her life. they get taken away and end. just like that. so 2009 became like another year in miche’s life. with the same cycles starting again.

perhaps you can say that all of this is miche’s own doing that she persists in being in the state that she is in. perhaps you are right to judge miche as such. perhaps it is all true, but nothing that miche feels is made up. everything is real. no matter how miche tries to deny it herself.

so in 2009:
miche said goodbye to debates. miche let quah-lah nictaro, lala king, dodo fishball, renbear, hwang go. miche said goodbye to joshie and auyong who headed to the states to study. miche realizes with their departure, so will al, val, sam, jake, paul, john and terence will all one day leave and lead their own lives which miche will not be a part of anymore. miche said goodbye to theatre. miche said goodbye to A.L who once occupied the most important place in her life. Only that miche didn’t know that A.L has been replaced till it was too late. miche had to say goodbye to you even though from the day she accepted that it was what she had to do for you, she’s been in pain.

we don’t belong to no one that’s a shame
miche had thought that she was strong and independent. She is able to weather many things in life on her own. miche has always felt that it was alright that she goes home to an empty room and an empty house; she is able to be alone by herself. then things started to get really empty. there is no one to share miche’s happiness when things go well or anyone to give her a hug because she has worked really hard. neither was there anyone to hold her hand when she is down and tell her that everything is okay and she will be alright. this year, miche realize that it is indeed a shame that she belongs to no one.

and all I can breathe is your life
miche went back to the office yesterday and saw her workload for the next year. miche had thought that things might be a little better in 2010. but apparently not. the same saga as last year. miche realizes that she indeed has a useless degree. a degree that she didn’t actually want in the first place and now is indeed useless. five years of her life given for something which she thought had value and meaning, but now she knows that she doesn’t matter at all to anyone. no one really cares anyway.

like a mad man laughing at the rain / little out of touch, a little insane / easier than dealing with the pain
years ago, miche was told that a broken glass, no matter how hard we try to piece them back together remains a broken glass. the cracks will always remain, and sometimes, pieces of it will be gone forever. so. 2010. a new year no doubt. a new beginning no doubt. but will there be any changes. miche doubts. perhaps pretence and lying will make everything a little easier to bear. just a little tinier easier to bear.

miche has to get used to being by herself, alone again.

2009-12-27T23:01:00.002+08:00

Let’s pretend, that I’ve moved on
And I tell myself,
That life goes on, without you.
Open my eyes, Look deep inside.
I run away

2009-12-25T00:35:00.002+08:00

almost half a year ago, you told miche that her life is made up of the sum of her choices. it is christmas day and someone asked miche what her christmas wish for this year was. miche answered that even though she knows that her wish is not going to come true, she is still going to wish it.

yes, miche's life is the sum of her choices. and she chose you. and everything that has come along with it.

she chose you.

2009-12-24T22:52:00.001+08:00

this is a lonely Christmas for miche. more so than all the other Christmas she has had to endured by herself. miche wants to find a way to get through everything that is happening, but even as miche is typing all of these out, tears are trickling down. miche only wishes that all of your Christmases are better than hers.

Merry Christmas everyone. merry christmas

and even though the moment passed me by
i still can't turn away
cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
got tossed along the way
and letters that you never meant to send
get lost or thrown away
and now we're grown up orphans
that never knew their names
we don't belong to no one
that's a shame
scars are souvenirs you never lose
the past is never far
did you lose yourself somewhere out there
and don't it make you sad to know that life
is more than who we are
you grew up way too fast
and now there's nothing to believe
and reruns all become our history
a tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
so tired that I couldn't even sleep
so many secrets I couldn't keep
promised myself I wouldn't weep
one more promise I couldn't keep
it seems no one can help me now
i'm in too deep
there's no way out
this time I have really led myself astray
runaway train never going back
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere
somehow I'm neither here no there
can you help me remember how to smile
make it somehow all seem worthwhile
how on earth did I get so jaded
life's mystery seems so faded
like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go,
Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done

2009-11-29T16:03:00.002+08:00

this was written almost 5 years ago on February 8 2005.

death is what that makes life meaningful and gives life its meaning. it is the end in which humans live for. take away death then life becomes meaningless and life will then be the end

July 12, 2006: i want to live my life according to my own terms

July 26, 2006: how can you break your heart if it was already broken?

July 30, 2006: we are tormented because love goes on and not because love goes away

October 14, 2006: i will go away and hide at a corner of the world.see if you can find me

January 08, 2007: the greatest pain, in my opinion is to endure the pain of losing a friend.

August 3, 2009: Promise me maybes and say things you dont mean

August 25, 2009: vague useless gestures. bearing futile witness

the pain doesnt go away. no matter how much you try to convince me i will one day be able to live with all these. and i still dont know why. baby, why.

2009-11-23T10:57:00.000+08:00

Remember by Christina Rosetti

Remember me when I am gone away,  
Gone far away into the silent land;  
When you can no more hold me by the hand,  
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.  
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:  
Only remember me; you understand  
It will be late to counsel then or pray.  
Yet if you should forget me for a while  
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave  
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,  
Better by far you should forget and smile  
Than that you should remember and be sad.

2009-11-22T22:49:00.002+08:00

pain used to be the one thing that told miche that she was alive and she was still able to feel. anger was the other thing that told her that she is still able to be a human. but the pain has become so great that staying alive is now a chore, a struggle, a pain in and of itself. and the anger she feels has become guilt. between the pain and the guilt miche no longer knows which is worse.

miche thought that only in her madness death was such a temptation. now that the madness has passed for the day, miche realises that she does not deserve to be alive. sorry.

i can feel life, emotions and feelings draining themselves out of me. i looked into the mirror and realised that i am nothing more than an empty shell, a walking vessel with nothing in it. i find myself talking to the one thing yo left behind, imagining that yo can actually hear what i am telling him. i once wrote that loneliness is an affliction, a disease and an addiction. now i know, that death may be its literal and metaphorical cure.

2009-11-22T02:05:00.002+08:00

it's fucking 2am and miche is sitting on mount faber, drinking and smoking and all she can think about is how the one person she loves wholeheartedly has abandoned her. Her pain and suffering means nothing to him and he is blind to every single shit she's been through for him. Why? why does miche mean nothing to him? miche gives up on his fucking world cause she no longer knows if she can survive another fucking dayeven if she does her heart will most probably be dead, maybe that's what he wants.

2009-11-20T00:47:00.002+08:00

where do i stand in your life? did you mean all that you said that night? do you know that you are the first person, my friends wanted to meet? because they wanted to know who was this person who made me happy for once, since the day they knew me. and now, you want to walk away totally, in a split second. so what am i?

2009-11-17T11:48:00.002+08:00

i told you a long time ago, be careful with me i am fragile in my head and in my heart. but when you decided that you were going to walk out on me without a word or explanation, you took away everything and broke whatever little that was left. now the pieces that lay around me are that of sadness and madness which alternates in its cycles and developments. it drives me up and down into weird, random and uncontrollable cycles of rage, wrath and crying. i hope you are happy now, because you dont want to care not that you cant. so watch me wont you, destroy myself and perhaps you in the process because you took away my soul and i have died inside. i dont care anymore. you have no idea what goes on in my head today and how happy i am thinking about the whole thing and how it makes me smile. maybe today i will be reduced to a slobbering crying mess again, who does nothing but stares into space into the darkness. the anger and rage in my head is so great that i need to hurt someone, dont worry, i wont hurt you, cause i promise that i would never do anything to harm you, but i cant promise anything else. why didnt you listen when i told you to be care with me, because i was fragile in my head and in my heart. why didnt you just listen for once. told you if you went, so would my sanity. so watch me now. watch the show.

really, suddenly being alive is no longer enough for anything or anyone. because the pain which once told me i was alive has now become the reason for me to die.

2009-11-16T10:36:00.001+08:00

being alive is no longer enough.

2009-11-10T18:02:00.003+08:00

someone show miche a way to make all of these go away. really just make all of these go away. miche doesnt know who else is there she can depend on anymore. so really. just make all of these go away. or miche will go far far away. take everything and go away.

2009-11-10T18:02:00.000+08:00

very antithesis of love wasnt hate – it was apathy.

2009-10-20T00:02:00.001+08:00

miche saw this on meeche's blog. it is so cute and it has miche's school motto on it. haha. robert frost's poem.

come grow old with me, the best is yet to be.

how miche wish that she can say this to someone.

2009-10-18T23:39:00.002+08:00

so much has been said about Obama's conferment of the Nobel Peace Prize and how he is totally undeserving of the award at all. miche is no big Obama fan and miche agrees that much is left to be seen of how his administration goes. but has anyone actually stopped to think about how Obama himself feels towards the whole thing? he is afterall a world leader, the first black president in the states. miche do think that perhaps he was not in the position to decline the award. was there something else that he could have done that day at that time and place when the award was announced? was there any other option that he could have chosen? perhaps he did and perhaps he didnt.

too many a times, we as the common people, the masses forget that while we live in oblivion and in relative unimportance we become too critical and harsh on the people who take up the responsibility and burden of the world. we should cut everyone some slack. really.

i think the mania is starting again. and it is gaining momentum this time round. the rapid cycles of laughter and tears i go through over the last few days is starting to scare me.

2009-10-17T00:59:00.003+08:00

"Anyone"

Anyone who have a love close to this
Knows what I'm saying
Anyone who wants a dream to come true
Knows how I'm feeling

All I can think of is you and me
Doing the things I wanna do
All I imagine is heaven on earth
I know it's you

Anyone who ever kissed in the rain
Knows the whole meaning
Anyone who ever stood in the light
Needs no explaining

But everything more or less appears so meaningless
Blue and cold
Walking alone through the afternoon traffic
I miss you so

Anyone who felt like I do
Anyone who wasn't ready to fall
Anyone who loved like I do
Knows it never really happens at all
It's over when it's over
What can I do about it
Now that it's over

Everything more or less is looking so meaningless
And fades to grey
Lying awake in an ocean of teardrops
I float away

Anyone who ever felt like I do
Anyone who wasn't ready to fall
Anyone who loved like I do
Knows it never really happens at all
It's over when it's over
What can I do about it
Now it's all over

i am beginning to think that i dont belong in your world at all. and that i should perhaps gracefully bow out. i dont want to have to face the day when my mania and depression becomes something which you have to deal with. nor do i want to have to face the day when i realise that i cant do without you at all. tonight i feel decidedly selfish and i dont want to share you with anyone. but i cant bring myself to say those words out. and i am angry with myself for thinking so. i dont think you will ever understand.

2009-10-12T12:01:00.001+08:00

i dont know why but i suddenly feel fearful.

2009-10-11T20:54:00.002+08:00

miche thanks paul, sam, al, jake and val for coming to visit miche on sat and sun respectively so miche wasnt that bored at home doing nothing. it was really fun having you guys around cause we always end up laughing at so many things.

anyway sam and the rest were taking a look at the pictures miche's parents put up in the living room and miche realised some things.

(1) miche is devilishly white. and miche means white. miche realises that she is actually quite devoid of any colour pigmentation. even as she stood in the lift by herself today, she realised the same thing looking down at her own hands. miche is white, as like miche has no blood in her body at all.

(2) miche's hands has tons of veins popping out of them, particularly at the back of her palms and on her fingers. which is ironic because the doctors and nurses could not find a single usable vein for injection on her arms, wrists and elbows at all last week. which is why miche has holes all over her body now and brusies that looked as if she has just been beaten up by someone.

(3) miche has oddly shaped eyes and miche doesnt know how to describe it at all.

(4) miche really dont resemble her family members. the closest should be liability 2.

miche is sleepy again and she doesnt know why she keeps wanting to sleep these few weeks. she thinks she has been infected.

2009-10-08T18:48:00.002+08:00

miche has been stuck at home for the last four days and miche is gradually going mad from boredom. there is nothing to do but lie around the house either on the bed or on the sofa. miche has watched countless reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Just Shoot Me. There is no one to talk to for like 75% of the day, miche gets to eat blanched vegetables and boiled fish and plain rice. miche has to take painkillers twice a day. miche is going mad. she managed to convince her parents that she needed to go back to work to day albeit for a short 2 hours. but the weekend is coming and miche fears her mind will go mad again. sighs.

miche doesnt know what she wants anymore and she is going to eat boiled fish and blanched vegetables again before popping pills.

2009-10-02T20:55:00.001+08:00

if it matters to you at all, i am in terrible pain and you have not even asked if i was feeling alright after the message i sent you this morning.

2009-10-02T12:09:00.001+08:00

pain. miche is in so much senseless pain. one entire side of miche's body has pain radiating up and down. ah. miche thinks she is dying. for real.

2009-10-01T08:46:00.003+08:00

100-years-old Levis crosses $17,000 bid on eBay

You know how those marketing dudes always keep coming up with a way to put a nice spin on even the most horrendous of things? Well, “vintage” is just one of them. By making a second hand consumer goodie sound like something valuable, they make you wear pother people’s old clothes, walk around in shoes that their original owners threw out and what not. This pair of vintage jeans is a great example of that. Over 100 years old, this old pair of LEVI’S was found in a mine in the Rand Mining District, on the Mojave Desert, California. Covered in candle wax from the candles the miners used to light the tunnel they was working in, the pair was found with and old paper bag with the name of a mercantile store which operated between 1895 and 1898 in the town or Randsburg.

hi miche!

2009-09-30T21:15:00.000+08:00

driel miche isnt sam. why do i want a darth vader statue?

miche is in pain. hai.

2009-09-29T16:24:00.000+08:00

If you are blessed with a rich as well as pampering dad or destiny has been kind to you to keep your wallet loaded, then nothing can stop you from owning this Limited Edition Darth Vader Bronze Statue. The only necessary factor is that you need to be an ardent Star Wars fan. Sculpted by Lawrence Noble, the inspiration for this Vader bronze came from a source usually associated with the Star Wars prequels, that is the planet Coruscant. Standing 4 feet tall and weighing 150 lbs., this majestic statue sports a particular attitude as it is frozen with one foot raised on a little precipice. Only 30 such life-like bronze Vaders are available for a colossal amount of $18,000 each.

2009-09-28T22:51:00.002+08:00

miche finds it amusing how watching the most mundane of things can actually trigger her thoughts into something vaguely philosophical. So it was the episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where rachel buys an apothcary table from pottery barn and lies to phoebe that it was a one-of-a-kind table from the days of yore as phoebe hates anything which is not one of a kind. rachel then goes over to ross's place where she realises to her horror that ross bought the same table. she tries to get ross to hide the table and ross blurts out to rachel that twins are not one of a kind.

that was what that got miche thinking.

identical twins = two of the same embryo = therefore, not one of a kind

HOWEVER,

twin births are in fact one of a kind = ergo, twins are special.

but isnt that an irony of nature, rather a paradox, that we are all simultaneously one of kind and yet not.

hmmm... same goes for triplets, quadruplets and the list goes on. how funny God can be.

i am starting to learn not to expect anything from you and take it all in my stride. perhaps this is the best way to deal with the situation and we can be what we really want to be.

2009-09-24T11:30:00.002+08:00

xue qian's blog title says "the show must go on". and yes miche agrees with xue qian that indeed the show must go on , no matter how much sometimes we tell ourselves that everything must end and one day we must take our last curtain call.

miche guesses that there are many different points in our lives that we have had to make that curtain call. over the last 7 years or so of miche's life, miche figures that there have at least been 5 or 6 times when she had to say something or done something for the last time.

28 Dec 2002: the last time miche ever stepped in ACJC as student, suddenly she realised that she had to grow up.

2004: the last time miche allowed herself to be really depressed over not going to america, though miche still deeply regrets having been denied the chance.

2005: the last time miche decided to let grades and examinations get the better of her.

2006: the last time miche decided that A.L did not matter that much anymore and she is going to stop waiting.

2007: the last time miche ever stage-managed an theatre event.

2008: the last time miche is ever willing to put her life in the hands of another person and trust that he will take care of her.

2008: the last time miche took a team and won debating championships. miche guesses it may the last of debates that she will ever do.

miche wonders if there is going to be a last time for her somehow this year in 2009. but really, the show must go on. because if it doesnt, miche guesses that will be the day she dies.

2009-09-23T23:12:00.002+08:00

three and a half years ago miche blogged these words and tonight after feeling that she is totally an idiot miche is blogging the same words again.

After a while, you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning

and company doesnt mean security,

And you learn that kisses arent contracts

and presents arent promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes open,

with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

and that you really are strong

and you really do have worth.

-----

As We Walk Through Life

I've learned - that you can do something in an instant

that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned - that it's taking me a long time

to become the person I want to be.

I've learned - that you should always leave

loved ones with loving words.

It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned - that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do,

no matter how we feel.

I've learned - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,

the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done

when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,

but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned - that true friendship continues to grow,

even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had

and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you.

It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you

and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I've learned - that no matter how good a friend is,

they're going to hurt you every once in a while

and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others,

Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,

but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned - that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned - that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned - that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes, by people who don't even know you.

I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned - that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

2009-09-23T22:43:00.001+08:00

miche's an idiot.

2009-09-22T16:37:00.002+08:00

I know it's late now I know I ought to go
Ride in your car now but please don't drop me home
My head's so heavy, could this be all a dream?
Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean
Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive
Take me through make me fell alive, alive
When I ride with you

Keep my heart turning on axles around you
Keep our love burning just like it used to do
Now just for us, they could play our favourite tune
Let's not discuss all these things we can't undo
Let

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive
Take me through make me fell alive, alive
When I ride with you

Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just drive

-Drive, Bic Runga-

i think i am going a little mad over the whole thing. dont get too upset with me when sometimes i dont really want to say a word, it is only because i dont know what to say and i dont want to screw things up. it is very trying i know. it is a difficult place to be, i hope you understand because i am really nowhere here nor nowhere there. the whole of the last three days was not easy to get through only because everywhere i go i am reminded of how i dont really have you. so please, dont get upset with me when i appear cold and unresponsive because i am trying really hard to be strong for you. maybe when i am able to find the correct words to put everything into perspective, i will be okay. i am sorry, my dear.

2009-09-21T09:51:00.002+08:00

Stateless boy 3rd in Japan paper airplane contest
By JAY ALABASTER,Associated Press Writer - Monday, September 21

TOKYO – A boy with no official nationality who lives in Thailand captured third place in a Japanese paper airplane contest Sunday after his tearful pleas to be allowed to attend prompted authorities to grant him a rare temporary passport for the event.

Mong Thongdee, 12, won a national paper airplane championship in Thailand in August 2008 after he threw a plane that flew for 12 seconds, and was later chosen to attend the Japanese contest in Chiba, near Tokyo. But Mong, who lives in Chiang Mai in northern Thailand, is the son of Myanmar migrants who are stateless and so have no legal right to travel abroad.

His first application to leave Thailand was denied, but after national media coverage of him quietly sobbing after the refusal captured the hearts of many Thais he was granted a temporary passport.

Mong appeared Sunday in a white T-shirt decorated with the Thai flag, whipping his carefully folded airplanes high into the air during the competition in front of hundreds of spectators.

He placed third in the division for elementary school students with a time of 10.53 seconds. In an earlier exhibition, Mong's airplane stayed in the air for 16.45 seconds.

After the event he said he wanted his family back home to know he got third place, and that he was grateful to the people who supported him.

On Saturday, his three-person Thai team won the group competition. Contestants quickly fold their planes at the event, then throw them into the air.

Mong's ethnic Shan parents have only temporary permission to live and work in Thailand, so although he was born in the country he has only temporary resident status. Under normal circumstances, if he left and tried to return, his status would be revoked and he would be barred re-entry to the country where he was born.

When his initial application for temporary exit papers was denied, the story dominated the front pages of Thai newspapers, and a national lawyers' council petitioned the court on his behalf.

His tale has led to fresh attention for those in his situation in Thailand, who have less access to education and health care. Mong is on a list of people who will be considered for repatriation to Myanmar in February 2010.

a simple child with a simple wish, yet never did he know that his simple wish will make a huge difference for his people. paper aeroplanes that carry out dreams out into the air and hope that angels will pick them up and make them come true.

miche knows what her paper aeroplane dream is, what about you?

2009-09-21T00:58:00.002+08:00

miche enjoys the feeling of feeling a little intoxicated all the time. haha it is 1 am and miche is still awake and she feels that she should complete whatever work she needs to do. but yet, miche is strangely distracted. it is way too hot to work and miche keeps sweating the whole time. miche needs to stop thinking. like really.

2009-09-19T00:13:00.000+08:00

baby, miche misses you already and it's only been 7 hours.

2009-09-14T00:47:00.001+08:00

miche is waiting to be discovered.

2009-09-13T01:02:00.002+08:00

miche is annoyed with her keyboard and she figures that she has to bring the keyboard for repair, once she gets her apple care registration up. cause for some reason the "U", "7" and "0" keys decided not to work at all. fustrating!!!

anyway, miche has come to the conclusion that the men in her life. yes the men in her are all so damn bloody fickle minded they can never make up their minds about what they want to do or what they want.

liability one lost his job and found one only to decide that he didnt want it after all.
liability two cant make up his mind about what he wants to after graduation. he says he wants to wait and see which vocation he gets posted to before he decides whether he wants to sign on with the army and get a scholarship.
the father cannot decide which course of treatment is better: to be harsh or to be kind. and he ends up contridicting himself half the time.
jude cant decide if he wants to end stuff once and for all.
A.L cant decide which side of the fence he wants to swing.
the last one just cant decide if he wants miche or not.

all the men in miche's life. fail. seriously fail.

2009-09-09T15:07:00.003+08:00

joshie is leaving tonight at 1120pm. flying off to the land of dreams, the land where years ago many people from this part of the world envision would be the place where all their dreams will come true.

amongst all the kids, joshie is perhaps the one persom whom miche feels the most kindred to. joshie and miche's birthdays are only 8 days apart and one day, we realised that we have almost similar taste in songs.

miche knows that she is going to miss having joshie around, just like how he went 'missing' during his NS years.

so, joshie, miche wishes you all the best in your new phase of life. go and explore and be whoever you want all these years. if anyone, miche knows you will be the one who doesnt change. miche loves you much.

2009-09-04T17:19:00.001+08:00

miche wants...the whole collection of Oxford World's Classics. Just so her shelves look intellectual. ha. miche was packing her bookshelves two days ago. a long time since she packed her shelves. re-categorised everything. made her feel so happy to see everything in order. happiness.

miche wants more books. haha

2009-09-04T01:05:00.003+08:00

here is a list of miche's eccentricities, well basically cause miche isnt exactly the easiest person to get around.

(1) miche collects soft toys, teddy bears more precisely because she feels that they are the only things which wont leave her ever.

(2) miche needs to buy things in pairs, when they are for herself because she feels that if she buys things singularly, they will feel lonely and left behind. worse if the item she wants comes in a set.

(3) miche doesnt like the color yellow because she associates it with the idea of a third party. because yellow is always paired with blue somehow but miche feels that blue's natural partner is red.

(4) miche likes to talk to herself most of the time, under her own breathe so no one can really hear her.

(5 ) miche likes to refer to her in third person. and this seriously freak people out.

(6) miche doesnt like the light. she really do prefer to be in the dark as it makes her feel much happier not knowing what is out there.

(7) miche finds walking around aimlessly rather therapeutic. it makes her happy especially in the middle of the night.

(8) miche doesnt like her food to be mixed up. it makes her upset.

(9) miche is totally random. her brain thinks of strange things all the time. like if she is ever to manage a war operation, she will bomb bridges first and then hospitals.

(10) miche tells her own brain to shut up, rather often so that she can actually sleep at night.

(11) miche doesnt like talking to be people, really, even though being a debater is what miche lives for.

(12) miche used to think that cookie monster will answer all her prayers, until the day when no tickets appeared for that show miche wanted to watch.

(13) miche is bipolar.

2009-08-25T23:13:00.000+08:00

this was part of the poem which miche was reading the other day. totally taken out of context, but still you know. haha. somehow fitting with miche's life and damn it. miche cant sleep again.

vague uses gestures. bearing futile witness.

things which miche does. or supposedly do.

2009-08-21T02:00:00.002+08:00

the greatest irony of my life, i know that my depression is irrational. and yet, no amount of rationality is going to stop that irrationality. aaron was right, my determination is both at once my greatest strength and my fatal flaw. is this harmatia i wonder. but no doubt, i have yet to achieve or attain any form of catharsis. and i smile strangely at myself, amused at how the irrationality is indeed becoming mania and rage, going a little weird up there. because beyond the depression, the worse thing is the intellectual and rational recognition that this is all irrational. yet, i cant snap out of it. so what is left, is to laugh at my own ridiculous-ness, my own irrationality in an attempt to make sense out of insensibility. too much laughter and i will start to descend again. welcome to my world of emotional roller-circles where no one knows where the beginning and end is. and i guess no one will ever find it the start and the conclusion.

2009-08-19T16:53:00.001+08:00

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to

Hello
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken

Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

2009-08-19T01:17:00.002+08:00

i am tired. i am very very tired. i am exhausted to the point in which i really dont know what to say to anyone anymore. i woke up this morning and was decidedly depressed. work is making my depression worse. it really is. i dont know what else to do and i dont know what else to feel. i feel claustrophobic. i feel suffocated. physically, i really do. i feel as if at times, i cant even breathe. increasingly, i just want to collapse and die. literally collapse and die. i dont even know what to say to him when he asks me what is wrong. i can only mutter under my breath i am tired. i dont think i can go on anymore, this time i think it is for real. because my head is no longer clear. and it is no longer rationally telling me that i need to go on. but that it is perhaps time to give up.

miche needs a sign from somewhere. God, can you hear her?

2009-08-17T10:48:00.002+08:00

miche is proud of you auyoung, though you do seriously embarass us by dancing in the middle of suntec to joshie's boom-beats and repeatedly demonstration how to do the body wave. and miche is happy for all the rest of you. miche knew that one day you would overtake her and that is what you guys are on your way to do. =)

more people to add to list who will take care of miche in her old age. whoever told miche that she needed to marry and have kids, haha. please.

Was it such a tragedy

Being you ... Being me ?

Smoke clears,the pictures fades

but I stay back in yesterday

All the strangers come and go

All of them will never know ...

2009-08-10T21:18:00.000+08:00

miche misses the days of the past where all she did was to party and have fun. it didnt matter where she was, in a pub, in a club or in the lounge of some posh hotel. where all that matters was who she was with and what she was doing. those days were fun and carefree and strangely, miche felt more adult than she does now. for some reason, it feels as if there is some sort of retrogression in her life and that she is now a kid more than an adult.

being around people really doesnt do her any good. miche is becoming more and more claustrophobic and anti-social, and more and more she is retreating back into her ownself and would rather be alone than to go out. staying in the room has become kinda fun.

miche has a strange craving for KFC all of a sudden. all these unhealthy food.

2009-08-03T23:01:00.002+08:00

many years ago, in borders miche came across this postcard and she bought only 1 piece and now it is out of print. but it has remained miche's fave photo since then. miche wants to be like the dog in the picture. happy and blissful, because it has a teddy to hug.

check out artunlimited.

i am one day late. but happy birthday anyway.

2009-08-03T21:47:00.000+08:00

Promise me maybes and say things you don't mean
Rain fall from concrete coloured sky
No boy, don't speak now you just
Drive, drive, drive

2009-07-30T23:35:00.002+08:00

a month ago, ming told miche in a rather angry and frustrated tone that miche should stop allowing people to take her as a subsitute and miche should stop feeling that it is okay to be a replacement. miche was just looking through her postcard collections just now to find a card for a birthday when she came across her old entries in her not so little black book. and miche realised some things.

(1) miche's dressing has not changed over the last 10 years. miche has a photo of her at 15, dressed exactly like what she wore today. only that miche was much thinner than and she had short hair which made her look her liability 2.

(2) miche is really rather abnormal. in so many ways and her thoughts are really random. but she is really conflicted over many choices she has made.

(3) the process of growing up sometimes mean that you learn to forget and learn to accept imperfections. that you learn that no one is perfect and take whatever you can from life. growing up sometimes teaches you that life is just life that you cant force things to change no matter how much you want it, destiny is a strange concept and we will never really know who is in charge, us, the other party or God.

(4) ming is right, miche is so accustomed to being second fiddle that it has become a part of her. ironic.

(5) no amount of writing is truly cathartic. just like how no amount of alcohol actually makes miche happy and forget her problems.

(6) miche always says that it will be the last time but somehow the last time always leads to a new problem and there will be another last time again.

the grass is indeed always greener on the other side. miche realised that. but growing up isnt that bad after all.

"your life is the sum of all the choices you make"
miche: "i know and i make them conscientiously. i know that they have a negative impact on me. but i choose to do so".
"but they make you so tired all the time"
miche: "i never told you that i was tired, have i ever? *quizzes* or did you assume that i am tired all the time?"
"well, you never really said so, but i assume that you are...but really you should reexamine your choices."

2009-07-28T22:30:00.001+08:00

... perfectly imperfect ...

...words, words,words
are all we have...
~Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guilderstern are Dead~

Never fails
And Always Amuse
The dramatic irony
Of worlds and words

We find ourselves
Perennially searching
In eternal endlessness…
Only to return
To the one which
Eludes

Millions around
In so many forms
Yet, struggles
To find the one
Who speaks,
The meaning of us

Convoluted, complicated, complex
Confusing
Sense is made
World created
Only to know it
Is temporal

We seek comfort in the mastery of words
But even as pen meets paper,
We realize that we are merely scratching
life
In an instant can be erased.
No word
Suffices.

Suddenly, blank
Silence erupts.

2009-07-23T00:36:00.002+08:00

burned out. miche keeps hearing this term over the last few days. and she is now thinking what exactly does burning out entail? literally like a candle? if that is the case, then there is no chance for recovering because when a candle burns out, the candle has reached the end of its short short oily waxy life. so what does burn out really mean?

will you be able to be burn out if you are already at the end of the wick? where there is nothing left to burn save whatever little amount of wax and wick you can struggle to hang on too...

so which is harder? to live a lie or to try to be normal? miche was told once, that miche did not belong to the group of society which is deemed normal and it is a blessing to be difference. miche knows that and miche understands that. but nonetheless, miche struggles each day to believe that normalcy is a fallacy to her, and that being abnormal is a blessing. this highs and lows are driving her mad.

sometimes, the truth eludes everyone. and ironically, it is the clearest to the one person who cannot see it.

blink blink, maybe it will reappear.

miche hopes.

2009-07-17T00:10:00.001+08:00

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, manic depressive disorder or bipolar affective disorder, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations.

Manic episode

Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated, expansive, or irritable mood state. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep. A person's speech may be pressured, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired; sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable. People may feel they have been "chosen", are "on a special mission", or other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood.^[7] Many people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.

Hypomanic episode

Hypomania is generally a mild to moderate level of mania, characterized by optimism, pressure of speech and activity, and decreased need for sleep. Some people have increased creativity while others demonstrate poor judgment and irritability. These persons generally have increased energy and tend to become more active than usual. They do not, however, have delusions or hallucinations. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness, though it carries the same risks as mania.

Hypomania may feel good to the person who experiences it. Thus, even when family and friends learn to recognize the mood swings, the individual often will deny that anything is wrong.^[9]

2009-07-17T00:04:00.002+08:00

once again words elude miche. years ago miche once wrote that words words words are all that we have. and now true it is. words are all we have.

miche suddenly realises that she has no one left to depend on and lean on. this time round, it isnt about her but everyone else. if only she has other emotions besides these.

the mania has turned to rage. intense incredible unexplainable rage.

2009-06-29T03:27:00.003+08:00

michael jackson has been one of miche's most liked singers, only because he is so quirky and eccentric. somehow miche feels that his passing is the best thing that could have possibly happened to him. the poor man-child, even in death he is not left alone to rest in peace.

but here's to wacko jacko and perhaps the one song that best befits the description of his life.

Man in the Mirror
I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.

2009-06-26T16:12:00.002+08:00

this is irony. really it is. miche's horoscope for today

You're apt to be feeling pretty strong right now, Michelle. Health-wise, you're probably in at least fairly good shape, and your mind is sharp and quick. You might, however, have outgrown some departments of your life that might not seem what they once were. One of these departments could be your work. You might be considering leaving behind a job done primarily for money, and going for a profession you really love. If it works for you, do it!

2009-06-25T01:39:00.001+08:00

miche feels really useless tonight. she really does.

2009-06-21T18:42:00.002+08:00

the whole of 2009 from beginning till now has seem to be a time where many of miche's friends are closing chapters in their lives and starting new adventures and new chapters with new people.

miche wonders when will she have the chance to close this chapter of her life and start a new one elsewhere.

2009-06-17T16:06:00.001+08:00

meeche. come home. hahah han oppa better come by to say hi at the end of the year =) hope the studio apartment is ready for your residence =)

2009-06-10T19:11:00.002+08:00

why is it that miche always met or have people in her life who think that they know her better than herself? people who cannot accept the fact that emotions besides anger and guilt do not feature at all in her life. people who insist and persist on imposing their own opinions, standpoints and views on her, and perpetuating those opinions, standpoints and views, regardless of what she tells them. no matter how hard she tells them. why cant people just understand that miche is incapable of feeling about things the same way that normal people do? that her perspective on life is way different from the norm.

miche is not trying to make herself seem drastically different, but miche just needs people to understand and realise that miche isnt really the norm and she cant be the norm. all these impositions and insistence is making miche feel that she is abnormal and once again, miche doesnt like this feeling. as it is miche is already rather unhappy with the state of life. miche has always been unhappy but things and people are not making it better. if miche can make an effort to separate her emotions and work then why cant others let her be? miche understands that things arent always that easy to compartmentalise but at least respect her choice to make it so. dont force her to feel things which she doesnt feel. dont force her to think things which doesnt want to think. dont force her to become someone she is not.

as it is, miche already have difficulties trying to keep everything under control, dont make it worse for her please. just dont. can miche have her own little sphere of privacy where for a single moment in the day she can be who she really is even when there are people around?

i told him today that i have bigger and worse problems than insomnia to deal with. i told him two days ago that the self-destruction started way before he even knew me. i think i am telling him too many things and i should stop. the last thing i want is for him to be the emotional clutch in my life because i dont need another false sense of security.

2009-06-08T02:59:00.001+08:00

to miche's beloved god-brothers, she cant find another picture which is more apt and suited to represent them. hurhur. presenting - evil xiao poh poh and evil xiao jun jun =D
miche = evil xiao chang chang

2009-05-27T20:07:00.003+08:00

miche was told today that miche was a ferrero rocher instead of a kantos (well at least miche thinks it is spelt that way) but not a lint. miche told that it was quite a funny metaphor and found an empty ferrero roundnoir on her table. so miche proceeded to take the roundnoir box (dark chocolate rocher and slightly more expensive) to the person who said that she was a rocher and said "i am not a rocher, i am this!" well not in an angry way, cause miche was terribly amused by the comment.

somehow everyone thinks that miche is tired and down and everything these few weeks. truth be told, miche thinks that intellectually, she has had enough of the nonsense that has been happening and somehow she doesnt think that she is able to take the nonsense on an intellectual level anymore.

for the longest time miche has always known that she needs to compartmentalise her emotions and thoughts in order to survive. miche knows that it sounds weird and very strange and complex, but that is how miche has learnt how to deal with life and survive. and now this compartmentalising is the only thing that is keeping miche going but somehow soon these compartments are going to collapse into one. miche has too much anger against the world and against everyone.

miche needs to move to another planet, cause she is just tired.

i was reminded once again the other day of how you insulted and made me feel so small 3 years back. the damage you have done is more than you can ever imagine, so dont send emails and requests for friends, or even try to pretend that nothing is wrong. that period of my life that 6 short months is the one period i want to forget and yet know that i should never ever forget. because you taught me through your actions, that i am worth more than all you have ever treated me as and i should never be allowed to be treated as such ever again. so just leave and take everything and everyone who will remind me of you away and stay away.

2009-05-15T08:39:00.003+08:00

miche is sitting in the office just wondering why is it that people can never shrug off some of what miche considers the most restraining conventions of society.

years ago, miche's friend's mother told her that it was imperative that we should all get married because that is the only way that a woman can fulfill her destiny. miche was 12. At that time, miche was like, hmmm maybe that can be true, but then as miche grew up and became older, she got to thinking about why is that marriage is perhaps one of the most defining characteristics of being a woman. why should that be so. anyway, this morning in the car, miche was told something that make her think again.

why do people impose their values of marriage on others? okay fine, maybe impose is too strong a word but you know what miche means. anyway, miche is too lazy to continue. later.

2009-05-13T09:09:00.002+08:00

today is the 13 of May, joshie clark kent hiew's birthday. miche cant believe that joshie hiew is 21 today, officially that is. miche was 19 when miche met joshie and now joshie is 21. that is long. haha =) anyway, happy 21st joshie hiew from all of us who are crazy, maniac, insane but still ultimately fun loving, loyal and best people to be friends with. yeah, all of us except, miche doesnt know where cheam and jake went, well val was takin the picture. =)

we love you joshie hiew. you know we do. =D

2009-05-12T16:59:00.002+08:00

the phase of the day: man is someone who give you a very strong sense of "an quan gan" where he is around.

miche couldnt stop laughing when she saw this pop up in her msn window. imagine the hilarity of the entire thing. anyway, miche spent the entire of the long weekend drinking, too much alcohol, she is surprised she is still up and walking on tuesday and not poisoned somewhere. her parents are heading to genting tmrw and wont be back till sat, which means miche is home alone for the entire week. hurhur.

miche forgot how funny jude can be. he made miche laugh on sunday night. heh. bye kohei. go back to uk and tell me three days before. miche is going to miss you =)

2009-05-08T13:52:00.002+08:00

Lifehouse - Storm

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I know everything will be alright
I know everything will be alright

miche has always loved lifehouse songs and she somehow always manages to find interesting songs which appeals to her state of mind from lifehouse at particular stages of her life. it seems as if lifehouse is putting her life into words and music. how very interesting.

miche has come to the conclusion that english is a language that not everyone can comprehend, common sense is rare and stupidity is a virtue.

2009-05-07T10:37:00.003+08:00

miche doesnt know how to describe this poem, but it is rather hmmm...thought inducing. got it from goodreads' May newsletter. enjoy.

Jaybirds Feeding on Robinsby Trish Lindsey Jaggers

They are at it again. Momma
robin tears through the trees to save
what's left of her babies. One lies
twitching on the ground, its eye sock
etemptied by a jay. I can't bury it
until it's dead, and I can't kill it,so I sit by it
beneath the screaming nest in the sugar maple
as rain drops sizzle through hot leaves.

It's June, and it's supposed to be like this,
daylong heat frying up evening
thunderstorms. In the west, new cumulonimbus
stretch their gargoyle heads, growl long and low.
If it were dark, I could see lightning
ricochet from cloud to cloud. Thunderheads,
Daddy called them.

Four summers ago, a palm reader
told me that a man I love
is slipping away, a dandelion letting go of its seed,
the seed grasping the stalk in the west wind.

Daddy was afraid of leaving
for anywhere not close to home.
He always wanted to swimin the ocean, but I went first,
came back thanking him
for my life. Last time I dragged
myself home from the white edges of Georgia,
past the palm-reader's house just outside
of town, past the lily—pad-covered swamps, past tired cattails fuzzing out seeds,
he'd bought a van, "Next year
we all can go, and you can drive."

The reader said that I pass many but travel alone becauseI'm afraid of loss, of being left.
I closed my hand to this fool before she took
any more of my moneyor my palm.
The twitching stops. The rain runs
down my face, tugs free of my chin.
The earth is dry
beneath the bird. I triangle—fold it into one of his old hankies,
lift a corner just before the earth goes in.
I want to be sure.

The wedge of its beak is cold,
arrowed like the sharks' teeth
I found on San Fernandina beach.
He'll be dead four years this August.
Above me, in a high fork
of the sugar maple he planted
twenty-six years ago,the screaming has stopped.

Three years ago, we sold the van.
He'd parked it in the sugar maple's shadow,
the grass pale and stiff when we moved it.
Today I leave for Georgia.
In the west, the thunderheads shake
out their dark fur; the wind rakes
rain and leaves from the trees;
years of roots and worms and earth
steam from the ground.

I pat it down, make a cross
with rocks like we did when I was four.
"Why do jays do that?" I asked."It's their nature," he said.
All rain runs to the ocean.
I still taste salt
in the back of my throat.
I stand, drag my muddy hands across my jeans;
if I hurry, the storm will be behind me as I drive.

2009-05-06T21:32:00.001+08:00

miche's horoscope analysis. miche wonders how true this is.

Individuals born on the cusp of Taurus (the second Sign of the Zodiac) and Gemini (the third Sign of the Zodiac) are ruled by both Venus and Mercury. Here, the influence of Venus endows these cuspians with a graceful and easy manner, coupled with a winning personality, while Mercury's influence increases the talent for music, art and eloquence. These individuals are thinkers, orators, artists and inventors. In short, the hands and brain work together in perfect harmony for this cusp combination. They display great imagination and tend to be very expressive, both physically as well as mentally. Taurus/Gemini natives would be well advised to become actively employed since the more they have to occupy their minds, the greater will be personal happiness...massage therapy, pottery, writing, painting and the composing of music can bring great fulfillment to these cuspians. In short, an idle Taurus/Gemini subject is a morbid and unhappy soul indeed.

The Taurus/Gemini cusp combination, also known as the Cusp of Energy, corresponds symbolically to the period of human life at around the age of fourteen. The firm-set Taurus nature here (which is controlled by the Planet Venus) acts as a counter-balance to the activity of Mercury (the Planet which rules Gemini) with its quick and mercurial ways. Because of the Gemini character, the desire to try new things is in the ascendant, but there is an inherent reluctance to relinquish the old...a carry-over from Taurus. This factors greatly in stability. However, an excess of this trait can hamper the Gemini nature and may result in an attempt to do two things at once...usually to the detriment of both. It can also make these cuspians stubborn about lesser things, even when they know little about them. Self-control is strongly needed in this blend and, once acquired, will enable these individuals to correct yet another aspect often lacking in this particular cusp combination...that being concentration, which is essential to this highly adaptable but somewhat contradictory Zodiac type. Those governed by the Taurus/Gemini cusp are said to be gifted in any domain they see fit to enter. These are often the artisans (and frequently the artists) of the Zodiac but, without the correct early training, are likely to develop in an abnormal fashion with a tendency to spend their time in sensuous enjoyment. These cuspians are said to have three masters: Castor and Pollux (who are seldom in harmony) and the Bull (who is ever determined to rule that historic pair). At best, these individuals are very busy and helpful...at worst, they become indolent.

Taurus/Gemini natives are exceedingly proud souls who would undoubtedly prefer starvation to dependence. If they do happen to find themselves in humble circumstances, then they will certainly be very miserable but, displaying entirely too much pride than is good for them, begging for help of any kind will be totally out of the question. These are glorious givers but reluctant receivers...a trait which can result in a character who is overly-free with money and a tendency to be wasteful. Thus, it is important that these cuspians develop a purposeful aspect to their nature. Nevertheless, these subjects can succeed at almost anything if they are willing to try. They are always active and energetic with refined manners and pleasing habits. They possess a keen interest in the world around them and the inherent charm cannot fail to draw innumerable friends and sweethearts. However, those involved with Taurus/Gemini individuals (who are notorious for their reputation as unstrustworthy souls) are likely to live in constant fear of losing them. To some, this may be an appealing challenge...to others, it is a frightening concept, particularly in the areas of business and employment. The brilliance of these cuspians is not normally sufficient to guarantee success in a given field unless such is supported by a string of undeniable accomplishments. Unfortunately, the characteristic associated with this cusp rarely manifests an endurance which is equal to personal desires and impulses. While slower and more purposeful people simply "hang in there," Taurus/Gemini individuals often find themselves being passed in life's race...rather like the hare was overtaken by the self-possessed and deliberate tortoise. The preparation of a resume may well be a rather painful process for these cuspians since it will likely reveal an eclectic background which is lacking any real depth...short sojourns in each job and somewhat dubious accomplishments, for example. Learning about the creation of structure and the value of limitations is essential for the growth of a Taurus/Gemini individual.

Taurus/Gemini cuspians will probably easily perceive themselves as more of a force than a person. No experts in self-awareness, from an early age they tend to forge a role for themselves in life which is active rather than passive...dynamic rather than static. As children, they are interested in everything around them, apt to fly every which way in their search for stimulation. These cuspians want to do it all and take on the world through a frontal assault. Some Taurus/Gemini individuals fail to form a strong ego when they are young, constantly wishing to please and often fearful of rejection. This can result in a character which accepts the wishes of others at personal expense. Thus, self-assertion and the building of a powerful ego can become a lifelong occupation for these cuspians. Taurus/Gemini individuals frequently remain youthful and light-hearted their entire lives, but the inherent need for physical pleasure can lead to an over-emphasis on money and the accumulation of possessions. Indeed, they are frequently somewhat addicted to sensuousness (and, at times, sensuality), prone to carry their tendencies to extreme and apt to invest in such items as fast cars and other material means of stimulation. In addition, without the correct training early in life, these cuspians may develop exceedingly large bodies. Nevertheless, these are basically tolerant and gentle souls who are often perceived by others as being scattered and highly-strung. The many interests of Taurus/Gemini subjects make them entertaining and loyal friends with a carefree and unpredictable twist. In their leisure time, Taurus/Gemini individuals enjoy pairing up with partners for recreation. Outdoor activities that allow a closeness with the earth are most favored. The love of conversation and good food ensures that relaxing dinners with friends are highly enjoyable and the inquisitive and literary orientation of this cuspian means that he or she will also enjoy mentally challenging pursuits. In short, the Taurus/Gemini cusp combination makes for a charming and congenial individual who has many friends and acquaintances in all areas of life.

With regard to relationships, since the rulers of this cusp combination are Venus and Mercury, any love affair must be both physical and mental in origin. The practical applications of artistic ability and authorship are profound on this cusp and domestic life is best if financially secure and mentally stimulated. The elements of earth (associated with Taurus) and air (associated with Gemini) rarely blend well. Instead, each element will seek to find its own territory or outlet. Taurus/Gemini individuals are inclined to be richly sensual by nature and, if left alone or isolated, may well become deeply depressed. Projects that are many-faceted and require patience can help in the healing of hurts for this combination. If security is threatened, a nervousness and lack of mental grounding may occur and it is essential for these cuspians to guard the throat and upper respiratory tract since, under stress, these body parts become most vulnerable to attack.

The great strengths of the Taurus/Gemini combination are stability, perseverance, and both intellectual and conversational skills. These cuspians are able to analyze difficult ideas and communicate those ideas to others in a clear an concise manner. Their methodical determination enables them to be productive even when others have long since "given up the ghost." There is a natural talent here to reason with others and this cusp combination is one of the strongest of the Zodiac when it comes to meeting goals...largely due to the inherent reliable persistence.

The most important lesson to be learned by Taurus/Gemini natives is that they should always be careful not to wear themselves out and realize that there are limits to what an individual can achieve in a short period of time. Additionally, it is important for them learn not to come on too strong and they also need to recognize the value of confronting personal fears and insecurities. As with all cusp individuals, these cuspians tend to be attracted to others born on the cusp...particularly those who fall within the Aries/Taurus and Sagittarius/Capricorn combinations.

2009-05-04T03:26:00.002+08:00

it suddenly dawns on miche that she is way over all of the things that she was feeling over the past two months about debates and not being appreciated. that she realises that she doesnt really care anymore about it and she cant be bothered about it. somehow it is strangely liberating. miche knows that it is true that she has too much anger in her for no reason, but she guess she is slowly letting the anger go and for whatever reasons there is, this is one time where the ends is more important than the means.

miche hasnt been down or upset recently, but she guess somehow given her predisposition to sadness, she cant help but to sound upset most of the time even though she does not intend to. ha. oh well.

miche cant sleep again. bleah.

2009-05-02T18:49:00.003+08:00

spent the evening out with xiao poh poh last night. had dinner, bought the roo's birthday present and we went to catch a movie. he chose it not miche. well, miche wanted to watch traitor but he chose horsemen instead. anyway, horsemen in all totality is actually quite a nice show, gory but yeah it was really quite nice. but the torture scenes were a little too much for miche and miche kept hitting xiao poh poh in the theatre, asking him why was she made to watch such a show. he took a spin in the car. well, miche offered to let him drive himself home and he said no. oh well. anyway there was a line in the show.

why do people do the things they do?

miche guess that is a question that no one can really answer huh. why do people do the thing they do? maybe compulsion? maybe a desire to be accepted? to prove a point? to make a stand? but really, why do people do the things they do? hmmm.

thursday night's dinner was quite an interesting one. for a long time since aaron, miche hadnt had someone who would tell her what to do with her life, to find positives out of what miche perceives as a dead end situation. it was an illuminating conversation and if nothing else, miche guess that the enjoyment of each other's company is mutual. miche really does think too much for her own good and she wonders why cant she just take things the way they are and not think so much. miche received an email today from dominic soon asking to be a friend on this online document sharing site. miche has been avoiding him so much for the past year but somehow, miche feels that she will be meeting him soon, against her wishes and her will. miche wonders what will happen then.

miche misses being loved. for real.

2009-04-23T13:09:00.002+08:00

sitting in the office for the third day in a row there is a massive throbbing at the back of miche's head. suddenly miche feels tired and stressed for no reason she thinks it is the signal of the evil one. oh well. slight sense of achievement to have complete the paper work but now down to the red markings of the papers. seems as if it doesnt end. miche is still waiting for her young and dangerous ultimate dvd collection to arrive from the states and she is wondering why why why on earth is it taking so long.

miche needs a hug and a shoulder to fall asleep on. who is going to volunteer?

2009-04-05T21:24:00.000+08:00

young and dangerous, the one show miche grew up with.

2009-04-05T18:15:00.003+08:00

miche grew up watching a particular series of Hong Kong Movie entitled the Young and the Dangerous. miche remembers going to dawn's house during the weekends to watch the movie. haha she was hanging out in yew tee way before it was fully developed. yeah anyway, miche is trying to find the series again and hopefully she can get her hands on it =)

such a rainy day and yet somehow, miche has willed herself to stay home and mark. well she guess she has too.

i realised that disappointment meant that there was expectation and hope for change. but now i now, that there was nothing to expect in the first place. go screw up your life for all i care, just dont mess with the wrong people. you made a terribly terribly wrong move. not as smart as you think you are.

2009-04-01T14:48:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEX.

we are not old. remember.

2009-04-01T00:48:00.002+08:00

oh great. miche sucks. she totally does. cause she FORGOT MEECHE's BIRTHDAY. okay. meeche, miche is terribly terribly terribly sorry. i tried calling you! i really really really did. but as usual, like the last 2 million billion times i tried calling you, the timing is wrong. opps.

so anyway, here is to a happy 18th birthday which i will make up to you when you came back to singapore =)

-BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG HUGS-

also, since it is already past 12 midnight.

happy birthday, mishy fishy! i remembered.

2009-03-26T22:41:00.002+08:00

miche was told that she doesnt blog about her days or the things she does on a daily or even weekly basis. miche realises that indeed she doesnt. but then she went and thought about the whole purpose of a blog, and how just like the colour of the room, the colour of the car, the choice of books etc all reflect individual personality, a blog does exactly that. miche doesnt think that anything she does in her daily life is worth blogging about. anyway, miche was sitting in for a sharing session today. and suddenly in the middle of the sharing session, thoughts flooded her mind.

how many times do we stop and give thanks for the things we have and for the suffering we do not have to go through, even though we are down and we absolutely hate the universe and everything in it at the moment?

how many of us do actually find the strength to be strong and positive, not for ourselves, but for the people whom we care and love the most.

how many times have we stopped for a moment, to smile, do something nice for someone else, for no reason but only because it was a nice thing to do?

how many good deeds have we done for purely non-selfish reasons?

it seemed as if the whole of today was a day which existed to remind miche of the things she used to do and loved to do, but longer does it. there are many many reasons for that. but one main reason is the fact that everything has become so politicised, so annoyingly in your face that it is for a resume or for the attention of the policy makers that miche doesnt see the point at all. whatever happened to doing something because you genuinely care and not because, you can get something out of it.

i miss smiling because there is really something for me to smile about, something deep down which makes the corners of my mouth curl up. i miss you.

2009-03-10T15:38:00.002+08:00

miche was walking down the stairs from her apartments to the car the other day when the words of dominic soon rang in her head once again. oh well, the words.

if you dont love yourself, how do you expect others to love you?

miche has no idea why that phrase pop, literally popped into her head just like that on a dirty, dingy stairway for no apparent reason at all. oh well.

finally met up with kohei, who is back from goodness know where cause he is always flying around and not staying in place at any one point of time. miche kinda forgot how much he protests about the various decorations (as he calls it) on me. well, haha he likened miche to a yakza. hilarious.

2009-02-28T04:19:00.002+08:00

miche has been feeling this way for a couple of months already and tonight, it just compounds itself even more. increasingly, she feels that the people around her all need to spend time away from her but she doesnt know why all she knows is that they should spend time apart from her. and really, all she wants now is for all of this to end. just end.

i dont know how to carry on.

2009-02-27T09:01:00.002+08:00

saw the most beautiful rainbow miche had ever seen in a long long time. on the way home from imm the other day. along the way she could not help but think about the giant irony of everything where again her own comforting words to another does nothing for herself. somehow, she really did wish deep down in her that the beautiful rainbow really will signify that life will be fine and things will be alright again.

the song has been looping on my playlist in the car:

HOW TO SAVE A LIFE - THE FRAY

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

2009-02-25T22:02:00.002+08:00

i really dont know how to make things better for all of us and i dont know how to go about explaining to you guys why i made the decision i did. it wasnt something which i decided upon at the spur of the moment or because i was pissed and upset with you guys. truth be told, i could never bring myself to stay angry and upset with you guys for an extended period of time.

although it has only be a short six months, in many ways, you guys have become a common and constant feature in my life. it has been weird not meeting up for two weeks when we actually see each other or speak to each other every day or almost every other day. i do wonder what has been up with you guys when i didnt hear from you guys for such a long while. somehow i guess, perhaps my purpose in your lives have been fulfilled and that whatever God wanted me to do with you guys it has already been done even though i dont know it myself. whatever may happen in the future, i dont know. i only hope for the best for you guys as you start a new journey, a new chapter of your life. but for now, i think we all need time to ourselves and let me try to sort things out and maybe I will be able to see you guys again.

sometimes, the best intentions may be misunderstood and the best rectification will be the hardest and most painful road to take.

so, if this has to be the end, then let me tell you this, no matter what happens, you will always hold an important place in my memories and i will always remember all the happy times we had, doing all the silly things we did. take great care of yourselves and remember, you live your life for you and no one else. so do what you want, so long as you know you are not going to have regrets and be brave to take that first step to make a change if you think you need it.

life is too short to hesitate, and you are young. so go on and go forth, be the person you want to be.

much love and may God bless you always,
miche

2009-02-22T16:31:00.002+08:00

life has been pretty much a wreck since the beginning of the year with so many random and annoying things happening that miche doesnt know how to describe the last two months of 2009. she knew that it was not going to be a spectacular year from the start and she knew it was just going to be just like another year where life sucks big time and everything just seem such a futile waste of time, energy and effort. the last two months yeah is pretty much summed up like that. some new things which miche knows she really really should be telling people in person and not via the medium of an online blog.

(1) miche's parents dragged her to the car showrooms two weeks after the new year and well basically made her pay for a new car. so yeah, miche is the owner of a new red mitsubishi lancer sports for a month now.

(2) the o level results were released. and till today, miche still feels damn bloody guilty. but at the same time, she finally realised who are the ones whom are truly grateful and who are the ones who are not. miche finds it terribly amusing that it is the kids that she never taught who appreciates her the most.

(3) managed to persuade someone that perhaps trying out a course is more important than going to the army straight. not sure if she made the right choice but feels that at least there is a second road for him to try.

(4) set a record of 4 papers for CT 1 and is expecting to need to set even more papers come mid years etc.

(5)fell asleep under the stars by the beach twice in a month. how freaking cool is that.

(6) missed the first round of JGs cause she was just too sick to go anyway that. missed the semi and finals of NCS as well.

(7) met up with blau, quahla nicktaro, matt and dodofishball finally after a very very very long time. well not that long 6 months?

life is pretty much duh and dull. miche has no mood to do anything anymore it is as if everything is a drag and a chore and just not worth the time nor the effort nor the emotions involved.

miche doesnt know what to do with you. seriously, if you want her to back off, she thinks she will. this time for good.

2009-01-01T22:54:00.001+08:00

There' nothing I hate more
than nothing
Nothing keeps me up at night
I toss and turn over nothing
Nothing could cause a great
big fight.

-Edie Brickell, Nothing-

2008-12-31T00:48:00.002+08:00

so there goes another fucked up year and a fucked up end to 2008. never in the entire world and universe did miche ever think that exactly 365 days later she would be crying herself to bed once again. and once again over the stupidest and most ridiculous of things. but yes on hindsight miche has now realised that every thing that has been said is just a mere facade because honestly no one cares. all she ever gets is some 'oh-i-am-so-sorry-that-you've-got-to-do-this' looks or 'i-sympathise-with-you-but-i-aint-lifting-a-finger-to-help-you' smile. so if this is the fucked up treatment she is going to get from a fucked up place, then no way is she going to give two hoots to anyone anymore. honestly. truth be told, miche detests the fact that she is trapped, that she is in fact settling for less. but she loves her kids, her charges. and honestly just as she said four months ago, if not for the fact that she believes in a larger purpose she would have broken the bond a long time ago and ran far far away to a place where she can be herself without having to deal with the judgements from people who should be looking at themselves first. so dont fucking come and tell her that she needs to change and that she needs to mind herself. go fuck yourself. miche may not be as prim and proper or as "morally upright" or as good a role model as you think she should be. go fuck yourself. miche's personal choices are miche's personal choices. so long as miche does not impose her choice or tell them to follow her ways who are you to judge her and her ways.

so go and congratulate yourself because if your aims and goals were to make the end of 2008 a shitty and fucked up one for her, you have succeeded.

2008-12-26T03:22:00.002+08:00

christmas, new year's and all things celebratory in-between have had a love-hate relationship with miche. on one hand, she loves to see how the people she loves and hold dear enjoy these festivals but on another hand,she always inevitably finds herself alone on these occasions when everyone and she means everyone is attached with a special someone. miche dreads these end of year festivities. someone told her just two nights ago that these celebrations are for the year that is past and for the new year taht is coming. to which miche replied she is not so sure that the passing of a year is always a good time or necessarily a thing to celebrate. miche always had fears that with each passing year, she has lesser and lesser time to do the things which are true to her heart or that she no longer finds the strength to muster the courage from the depths of her spirits to find and realise her goals. miche fears the new year means new separations, new heartbreaks and heartaches, new problems which she cant never solve. more importantly, miche fears the new year means another year of the never-ending cycle of crap and torment she goes through internally each day. the new year never really feels new to her. this year in particular. everywhere she goes, she is reminded of tokyo. everywhere she goes she is reminded of last christmas in imperial hotel, where she laid in bed sobbing her eyes. her flight back to singapore when she literally cried herself to sleep. the most depressing new year's day ever. everywhere reminded her of the one day she decided to spend in Tokyo by herself, bounded and held by a flimsiest promise. something totally out of character. one year ago today, she told herself, she will never be able to find the courage to love again, but one year later, she finds herself still binded by that flimsy promise, a disappearing hope that one day he will appear. sorry but miche really does hate christmas. and all the festivities.

I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin to live again

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me
When will love be through with me
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends

2008-12-25T12:49:00.003+08:00

so goes another christmas well at least we are halfway through the 2008 Christmas. nothing too exciting to which happened, but miche received two very sweet notes this christmas.

thanks blau for the very touching and heartfelt email and thanks joshua for the sweet little note.

if anything, this Christmas miche is learning how to count her blessing.

miche's mother just told her about her cousin far far removed who are 15 but are total terrors. miche knew something was wrong with her family genes somewhere up or down the line. hahah somehow the girls end up being terrors while the boys dont really get much from life. so yeah.

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE!!!! =)

2008-12-19T02:41:00.002+08:00

this entry is dedicated to 18 december 2008.

i very seldom if not never write in first person. i am someone who is extremely uncomfortable and awkward about expressing any form of emotions or sentiments. there are some times when i say certain things but they are usually in jest and i dont really mean it. in fact the very reason why i write in third person, is to create a sense of detachment from the things i write. there is a certain sense of surrealism reading your own entries written in third person perspective. you get to anaylse yourself from a distance.

but 18 december 2008 can be said to be a special day.

today was the first time i felt an overwhelming sense of gratification as a teacher. that perhaps, this is indeed the purpose and path God has chosen for me. for the longest time possible, even when i was in NIE or when i was starting school i had never felt that i was meant to be a teacher, an educator. as much as the rest of my peers and friends could say outrightly that they feel that it is a calling, a duty, they feel for the kids and stuff, i could never bring myself to say that. all i could ever say was that i enjoyed the process of imparting knowledge and intellectual discussion and i want to help youths-at-risk as my own payback to community. i had a statement to make because i was a bad child turned right.

but on 18 december, i can stand proudly and say i am glad that i am a teacher (at least for the next 2 years more as well ahah).

michelle's supplementary essay to boston u was infinitely touching. really michelle sham, if not for the fact that i was with company i swear i would have cried right there and then when i read what you wrote for your entrance essay. i know i never ever told you this and i have always nagged at you for lots of things. but thank you, thank you for letting me be part of your life both here and in the states and still continuing to keep me part of you. i know i dont always write or have the time and effort to keep in touch with you, you are always on my mind and i really look forward to the months when you are here with us in singapore.

michelle's essay is the third time i am immortalised so to speak in an essay. the first was when i was 21 and xue qian decided to do his biography assignment on me instead of some politician or leader or celebrity. the topic was write a biograpy on someone who had a significant impact on your life. at 21, i was very honoured and xueqian got top marks for it. the second time was when ip was applying for college and he wrote about the times when i taught him lit, history and econs at guthrie while eating venetia ice-cream everyday for 3 months before his As.

today, although i dont teach them, i felt happy that they came and told me thank you. that they felt that they could trust me enough to consult me on what course they should be taking for their next journey. madam's message was more than just true. while i was sad they didnt get the grades they desired i was also happy that they have a second chance in life. it was gratifying to see huffalump running up the stairs towards me going MS CHANG!! I PASSED EVERYTHING! I PASSED MATHS! and i dont even teach the boy.

so i guess it has been a rollercoaster, psychotic ride from 2003 till now, one which drops up and down, twists and turns everywhere. but with every ride, there has to be a beginning and an end. so maybe 18 december is the endpt. and maybe the 100 acre wood will be my new thrill ride. i hope i dont cry when they get their results especially if the poh qualifies for poly. really.

enough of miche's random emo ramblings. but yeah, 18 dec a special day

2008-12-16T14:59:00.003+08:00

happiness is when you watch your beloved friends have their wish come true.

MICHELLE CARA SHAM PEI WEN!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS!

now you can buy miche her boston uni hoody for xmas next year. miche is so terribly happy for you that she's jumping for joy now. next step get a scholarship from them! the very same one they gave miche. =)

MEECHE LOVES YOU MUCH, MEECHY!

2008-12-13T00:34:00.002+08:00

it has been a long time since miche blogged. lots of things have happened since erm 24 Nov. there was the night when auyong (future president scholar and possible prime minister of singapore) got dead drunk after 4 shots of tequila slammers back to back and puked once on the floor which jake and miche helped him clean up. he puked like everywhere and when we changed him, actually more precisely when we took off his pants, there was this smile on his face. it was damn disturbing for miche and jake. then miche and jake decided that it was better for auyong to be on the couch and thus moved him there. goodness, he did a waterfall like after 10 mins on the couch. it was sick and but strangely funny and hilarious as all four of us stood at a distance and gaped, seriously gaped in amazment, bewilderment. the entire night was a joke especially after we tripped sam's house and val, al and miche decided to run away to al-amin for a drink. then there was the night when miche met joy, byron and the rest for joy's birthday celebration, pooh came along and got wasted. haha. the first time miche seen him so damn wasted. quite funny though.

been running back and forth the workplace for no apparent reason. well the next week is filled with like work and stuff but thank goodness there are the mornings and days for that. nights for random outings and galavanting for fun. so yup.

okay fine, miche is still quite annoyed but guess it will pass soon.

2008-11-24T23:29:00.003+08:00

miche swears she is geninuely the most random person on earth because her brains are never settled on one thing. just like how she is now trying to do up the package for next year while being constantly reminded at the back of her head that there are still three more SOWs to be complete for 2009. but anyway, she decided that it was equally important to catch up on the news at channelnewsasia. suddenly she thought her conversation over lunch with burmese boy and the legend. it was really quite funny cause really this society we live in is really a country where in string of abbreviations, a sentence could still make sense. but since burmese boy is in mfa and legend in spo, it was no strange occurrence that references to 2ps and goodness what miche cant remember about haha but yeah. this is totally a random blog.

tonight seems to be moving very very slowly. damn the internet connection that keeps going on and off.

2008-11-22T16:21:00.001+08:00

now that prom night is over and chances are no one saw the poem miche wrote. she is going to publish them here in hope that perhaps some of its intended audience will read it. but haha fingers crossed. so here goes.

Etched

like imprints on the shoreline at low tide
memories
do not fade away
gone but never far from sight
recurring, repeating, remaining…

etched…
the faces…
the joys…
the times…

like clouds that hang in the skies
ever-changing, solitude in groups
occupy our skies…
dissipating, forming, re-forming…

like the thunderstorm that rages with fury
times and events we braved through together
but has to end…

like the imprint of a tattoo
ever-lasting, you are
etched
the lives
the memories
you and I

2008-11-22T15:46:00.005+08:00

here is to many months of languishing and lack of intellectual thought. the recent bout of national training has re-inspired miche to pursue more intellectual activities such as reading more intellectual books. so here is an entry introducing some of the new books which miche has been reading.

God is Dead by ron currie jr is a book about how life is like after God dies. the book starts off with God inhabiting the body of an african woman in worn torn Darfur and is accidentally killed in cross-fire. The corpse of the body with God's spirit in it was eaten by some dogs who after consuming the spirit of God starts to speak Hebrew. The news of God's death is spread to the rest of the world. In the aftermath of God's death, priests and other religious leaders commit suicide, the world plunges into a state of mayhem as people start living reckless and kill each other for no apparent reason. parents and adults in need for a figure of worship starts worshiping their children. one section of the book actually features an interview with one of the dogs which survive the onslaught of kidnapping after they were discovered to be the ones who consumed the body of God. God is Dead is really quite an interesting read, something which is literary and rather thought-provoking, because the world of hedonism which is portrayed is not that far-fetched a reality as it seems. in fact, it is altogether quite real and happening in real time as miche write.

The others book which miche has been reading are the bad dog's diary and the bad dog's progress.Both books are written in the perspective of jack russell who is a total rascal. it chronicles two years of his life (one year per book) and all the things which he goes through everyday. how he deals with the owner's first girlfriend who is a dog trainer and is always trying to persuade the owner that it is the most natural thing to do to neuter blake, how he fights for his territory, how he falls in love with girlfriend ella and stuff. quite amusing really, a fun and comical read.

In addition to these, miche has also consumed erm 8 agatha christie novels over the last 2 months. haha miche's readin pace has actually slowed down a lot, she used to be able to read much faster but oh well. so it is a saturday afternoon, and miche is home from nat team training. time to crash and read some books. since her parents are out in malaysia for whatever reason there is =)

2008-11-12T01:56:00.001+08:00

miche has managed to finish writing the poem she was mulling over. in fact in the time she was waiting for the day to e over, she wrote 2 poems. heh heh. miche do hope that the intended audience is able to understand it.

2008-11-10T10:52:00.003+08:00

miche cant help but to post this picture she stumbled across she was trying to complete the poem (which has become 2 poems by the way) but how cute is this!

2008-11-10T09:41:00.001+08:00

so yet again miche drags herself out of bed at the most ridiculous hours in the morning to come to work only to find that the meeting has been cancelled once again. what can miche do but sit in the office and stare into the blank spaces that surround her. perhaps she will take the time to pen the poem she has been deliberately about for the past week. the poem which is supposed to be dedicated to yeah people, tentatively entitled "etched".

thanks to kitty jie jie, miche just realised that work doesnt really end cause there is still the year-end book to produce after the malee of everything else. this is plain madness! urgh. oh well.

on a sudden note of realisation, miche does indeed live quite a restless life. oh well. back to penning that poem.

2008-10-24T23:38:00.002+08:00

miche just got home like an hour ago from GV Gold Class at Vivo. Damn it, it is seriously posh, miche was terribly amused. anyway, miche is embarrassed to admit taht she watched high school musical three which terribly cheesy but these kids can dance. anyway after the show, KK and miche went to espirit cause kk wanted to shop. and walking through the rows of winter / fall collection made miche sad.

cause one part of her really wants to be in japan at the end of the year, in her bid to spend xmas there. but since she has changed her mind, cause there is no real point going, not as if she is going to meet tsuyoshi cause miche is most likely not going to call him when she goes there and kohei is likely to be back in oxford. hai, there is no reason to go. but still as miche has always said, just because the head believes it, doesnt mean that the heart complies.

2008-10-19T15:22:00.002+08:00

saturday was a fun day for miche despite having no sleep for 24 hours. just like jm said the next day was a good one from friday =)

stoned her life away on friday with nothing to do at work. going to finish up the stuff for the rbs on monday. anyway back to saturday, was at west coast park early in the morning to watch some playground fun. went over to mgs to judge for some under-14 competition which ACS won. miche got a new raffles hoody from quah-la nictaro and had lunch with the raffles boys whom she has not seen for like ages. then she had dinner with the AC boys at brewwerkz. hahah these debate events are like a huge social gathering for miche where she gets to meet all her debate kids whom she never gets to meet except for sam and val and al. like for example, JOSHIE! whom has disappeared for like 3 years? but she finally saw on sat grins. and lee mey the fairy queen (no longer princess, grow up le) so it was like a huge family gathering on sat and miche had fun seeing them. waiting for the EOYs to end then we can all crash at renbear's place (for the raffles kids) and sam's place (for all the others) and then plan that trip to genting with hundred acre wood!

okay it is raining again

2008-10-17T20:23:00.002+08:00

miche is still feeling rather traumatised by that predator csi show she watched on wednesday about juvenile elephants who were traumatised by watching their mothers being killed. those images of the humongous animals falling to the ground, hundreds of them floating dead in the rivers, being cut up for meat really really really traumatised miche. miche kept thinking what if she was one of those baby elephants who witnessed that she would be really really traumatised as well. she doesnt know which is worse the traumatised juvenile elephants or the gangster dolphins.

term is coming to an end. hectic and tired. too many things to be done for no apparent reason. miche feels kinda at a loss for words for many things she wants to say but really she has no reason to say them out loud. she guess it is just part and parcel of life...no regrets definitely but maybe it is time to lay off.

miche is pensive tonight.

2008-10-01T20:52:00.002+08:00

hilarious. okay. miche is officially bored.