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Thursday, July 30, 2009 @11:35 PM

a month ago, ming told miche in a rather angry and frustrated tone that miche should stop allowing people to take her as a subsitute and miche should stop feeling that it is okay to be a replacement. miche was just looking through her postcard collections just now to find a card for a birthday when she came across her old entries in her not so little black book. and miche realised some things.

(1) miche's dressing has not changed over the last 10 years. miche has a photo of her at 15, dressed exactly like what she wore today. only that miche was much thinner than and she had short hair which made her look her liability 2.

(2) miche is really rather abnormal. in so many ways and her thoughts are really random. but she is really conflicted over many choices she has made.

(3) the process of growing up sometimes mean that you learn to forget and learn to accept imperfections. that you learn that no one is perfect and take whatever you can from life. growing up sometimes teaches you that life is just life that you cant force things to change no matter how much you want it, destiny is a strange concept and we will never really know who is in charge, us, the other party or God.

(4) ming is right, miche is so accustomed to being second fiddle that it has become a part of her. ironic.

(5) no amount of writing is truly cathartic. just like how no amount of alcohol actually makes miche happy and forget her problems.

(6) miche always says that it will be the last time but somehow the last time always leads to a new problem and there will be another last time again.

the grass is indeed always greener on the other side. miche realised that. but growing up isnt that bad after all.

"your life is the sum of all the choices you make"
miche: "i know and i make them conscientiously. i know that they have a negative impact on me. but i choose to do so".
"but they make you so tired all the time"
miche: "i never told you that i was tired, have i ever? *quizzes* or did you assume that i am tired all the time?"
"well, you never really said so, but i assume that you are...but really you should reexamine your choices."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009 @10:30 PM

... perfectly imperfect ...

...words, words,words
are all we have...
~Tom Stoppard,
Rosencrantz and Guilderstern are Dead~

Never fails
And Always Amuse
The dramatic irony
Of worlds and words

We find ourselves
Perennially searching
In eternal endlessness…
Only to return
To the one which
Eludes

Millions around
In so many forms
Yet, struggles
To find the one
Who speaks,
The meaning of us

Convoluted, complicated, complex
Confusing
Sense is made
World created
Only to know it
Is temporal

We seek comfort in the mastery of words
But even as pen meets paper,
We realize that we are merely scratching
life
In an instant can be erased.
No word
Suffices.

Suddenly, blank
Silence erupts.


Thursday, July 23, 2009 @12:36 AM

burned out. miche keeps hearing this term over the last few days. and she is now thinking what exactly does burning out entail? literally like a candle? if that is the case, then there is no chance for recovering because when a candle burns out, the candle has reached the end of its short short oily waxy life. so what does burn out really mean?

will you be able to be burn out if you are already at the end of the wick? where there is nothing left to burn save whatever little amount of wax and wick you can struggle to hang on too...

so which is harder? to live a lie or to try to be normal? miche was told once, that miche did not belong to the group of society which is deemed normal and it is a blessing to be difference. miche knows that and miche understands that. but nonetheless, miche struggles each day to believe that normalcy is a fallacy to her, and that being abnormal is a blessing. this highs and lows are driving her mad.

sometimes, the truth eludes everyone. and ironically, it is the clearest to the one person who cannot see it.

blink blink, maybe it will reappear.

miche hopes.

Friday, July 17, 2009 @12:10 AM

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, manic depressive disorder or bipolar affective disorder, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. Extreme manic episodes can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations.

Manic episode

Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated, expansive, or irritable mood state. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep. A person's speech may be pressured, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired; sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable. People may feel they have been "chosen", are "on a special mission", or other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood.[7] Many people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.


Hypomanic episode

Hypomania is generally a mild to moderate level of mania, characterized by optimism, pressure of speech and activity, and decreased need for sleep. Some people have increased creativity while others demonstrate poor judgment and irritability. These persons generally have increased energy and tend to become more active than usual. They do not, however, have delusions or hallucinations. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness, though it carries the same risks as mania.

Hypomania may feel good to the person who experiences it. Thus, even when family and friends learn to recognize the mood swings, the individual often will deny that anything is wrong.[9]


@12:04 AM

once again words elude miche. years ago miche once wrote that words words words are all that we have. and now true it is. words are all we have.

miche suddenly realises that she has no one left to depend on and lean on. this time round, it isnt about her but everyone else. if only she has other emotions besides these.

the mania has turned to rage. intense incredible unexplainable rage.

PROFILE
miche:highly eclectic personality:stationery junkie
loves notebooks, the smell of printed-paper and ink makers.
her first love in life is basketball.
enjoys the intellectual adrenaline of debating, the beauty of theatre and music.
loves rainy days and blue skies
an avid reader, collector of teddy bears.
wants to build an dog sanctuary.
finds solitude extremely soothing
loves writing/typing/texting in lower case.
highly interested in the theories of Fredrich Nietzsche and existentialism.
fan of German language and culture.
finds the fact that she is a cusp a unique feature of her life
God, friends, and family feature strongly in her life.
she likes referring to herself in third person, something most of her friends find freaky
has a death wish or so she thinks.

reads

YOUNG CHANGEMAKERS
NATIONAL YOUTH FORUM '06
POETRY
MUSIC
VIDEOS
adriel
alaric
alessa
aramis
auggie
bern
bryan
charleen
charlene
da jie
de winne
elizabeth
hye ryoung
jakee babee
jajung
jeannie
jennifer
ji hyun
john leo caines
josh
joy
j.low
kaleni
leigh-anne
mark tan
melissa
meirlin's earrings enteprise
michelle
mishelle
mi-young
paul
rae
sam
sonia
mr otaku
tae yeon
terence
valerie


ARTICULATE



ARCHIVES

March 2004
April 2004
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January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
August 2010
April 2011
May 2011


Book List

1. 9/11 Commission Authorized Report
2. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
3. Human, All too Human - Friedrich Nietzsche
4. The Will to Power - Friedrich Nietzsche
5. Truth and Existence - J.P Sartre
6. Existentialism and Humanism - J.P Sartre
7. Fragile Things - Neil Gaiman
8. For One More Day - Mitch Albom
9. God is Dead
10. lullabies for little criminals - heather o'neill
>

Movies to Catch

1. The Queen
2. Confession of Pain (Shang Chen)
3. The Protege (Men Tu)
4. The Last Dance

BIRTHDAYS

birthday tree
the boss - 4 Jan
Elvin - 8 Jan
Gill - 10 Jan
WeiXiang - 13 Jan
Sam - 14 Jan
the grosmer - 26 Jan
Aaron - 1 Feb
Ben Yap - 2 Feb
Hiu Tung- 5 Feb
Ja Jung - 7 Feb
Josh Hoe - 8 Feb
Weilin - 13 Feb
Auyong - 20 Feb
Ting ting si - 25 Feb
Jik Han - 28 Feb
Yin - 2 March
Cheryl - 3 March
Christine - 20 March
Kenneth - 21 March
Chere - 26 March
Terence, Judith - 29 March
Meeschell - 30 March
Lex - 1 April
Mishelle - 1 April
Druggie - 7 April
Liz - 16 April
Melissa - 18 April
John Leo - 26 April
Hye Ryoung/the bunny - 30 April
Josh - 13 May
Jevan,Andre - 16 May
Kat/Siti - 20 May
Martino - 21 May
Seb/Rebecca - 22 May
Teddy - 23 May
T.K - 27 May
Aidan,Hon - 29 May
Jiajia - 31 May
fairy - 7 June
Cow - 8 June
the poh - 5 july
Char & Char - 17 July
Aramis - 21 July
Feli, Josh & Joe Nair - 28 July
Jennifer - 31 July
Paul - 7 Aug
Auggie/En Wei - 9 Aug
Mao Mao Chen - 13 Aug
Thazin - 14 Aug
Gurion - 16 Aug
Bryan, Seon Mi, Yilin - 20 Aug
Alessa - 25 Aug
Val - 3 Sept
Guy, Jac - 11 Sept
Rachel - 12 Sept
Mi-ran - 14 Sept
the tigger - 15 sept
Ji Hynn - 17 Sept
Nalli, Yint Zin - 20 Sept
Hello Kitty - 23 Sept
Leigh / Noel- 24 Sept
Celine - 25 Sept
Vicky - 26/27 Sept
Wint - 30 Sept
Ren - 1 Oct
Grace - 1 Oct
Mi-Young - 2 Oct
Sharm - 8 Oct
Marky - 10 Oct
the owl - 13 Oct
Jacob,Grace - 22 Oct
the eeyore - 23 Oct
Xiaodi - 28 Oct
Bo Lui - 30 Oct
Victoria - 4 Nov
Van - 14 Nov
Hai Ming - 19 Nov
Sun Min - 26 Nov
Zin Mee - 28 Nov
J Low - 29 Nov
Joy - 5 Dec
Nian Ting - 7 Dec
Luke - 27 Dec
Andy gom/Jhi Sheng - 31 Dec

50 things before miche dies

1. tell all the people she loves, that she loves them dearly.
2. send a personalised note/letter/gift to all her good friends and people who have touched her life, telling them how important they are and how they have made her life worthwhile.
3. spend a quiet but meaningful evening with her parents.
4. spend a quiet but meaningful evening with her god-family.
5. save a stray dog or two.
6. travel to prague.
7. give my teddy bears away.
8. try to write a decent poem or short story.
9. pay attention in class for once.
10. learn to forgive herself and those who have perhaps done her wrong.
11. drive to thailand.
12. walk down orchard road dressed in pink and purple only.
13. picnic by the beach
14. finish reading "dreams of the red chamber" in chinese
15. get the giant teddy bear i always wanted.
16. perform one last time
17. buy a dress / skirt
18. watch a cheesy, tacky, gawdy comedy - BRUNO or TROPIC THUNDER
19. pat a snake
20. throw a party on a bus
21. sky dive and bungee jump
22. walk all around singapore - halfway there
23. eat nothing but vegetables for a week - kinda stop eating
24. burn all her photos, diaries and letters. delete this blog.
25. cry with all her might
26. be happy and try to stay happy till the end
27. be amazed by the simple things in life
28. sleep at least 8 hours per day and not more than 10 for a week
29. write a letter to johnny depp
30. plant something
31. be a organ donor, give whatever can still be used. (not my liver though, too much alcohol in it)
32. get blind drunk, like seriously blind drunk
33. draw/paint/compose a last picture
34. she hates taking pictures, but yeah, take a picture with all her loved ones.
35. be totally ladylike for a whole day. (i.e. dont swear, curse or be mean)
36. cycle to changi and back.
37. attend church everyday
38. take all the bus services available in singapore
39. get 2 tattoos
40. buy cup noodles and eat them by the roadside. well i ate by the beach, doesnt count right
41. colour her hair in multi-hues
42. draw up a will
43. climb a tree
44. remember to smile.
45. compete in one last basketball tournament
46. debate competitively one last time
47. eat all the gelato she wants
48. eat all the dairy products she wants
49. celebrate the life that's been
50. Thank God.
CREDITS

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